christian dior | lil peep

14. i can't erase between the lines

gus was discharged today at 6pm, he had a few different types of pills and an encyclopedia of things i had to do to take care of him, and everything he wasn't allowed to do yet. he was still supposed to remain on almost complete bedrest. i helped him carefully into my car, wracking my nerves every time he moved or touched something.

"you're good?" i asked, getting in the drivers side. " yeah, i just wanna be home" he said. "well give me 15 minutes and i'll take you" i told him. i drove the most cautiously i ever had in my whole life, fearing i'd break one of his bones if i braked too hard. "hun you don't have to go 10km under the speed limit" gus told me, "i just—i feel like you're very fragile right now" i told him. he shook his head at me.

we arrived at his apartment building safely, i helped him out of the car and carried his bag, letting him lean on me for support. we used the elevator back to his floor, stairs would be too intense for him right now. "to bed" i said, pointing him to his room as soon as we stepped in the door. "ah ha ha, say less" gus winked at me. "do you want to go back to the hospital?" i asked, what part of ex girlfriend and being on bed rest with no physical activity does he not understand. "is that a threat?" he asked, "it's a promise if you don't get your ass in bed and don't move like you're supposed to" i told him.

i set timers on my phone and sorted the pills into a pill organizer so i could make sure he took the correct ones at the correct time. gus had gotten himself into bed, "do you need anything else?" i asked, "can you kiss me better?" he asked "no" i said, unamused. "gustav i'm literally here to make sure the puncture in your lung from your own broken rib doesn't kill you" i reminded him. "can i at least go smoke a dart?" he asked, "no!" i partially yelled at him. "your lungs are absolutely fucked you're not smoking anything. the nurse gave me these nicotine patches for you in the meantime" i said, digging through his bag of medications and other medical supplies.

"this is bullshit" gus said, "well if you just suck it up it'll get better faster" i said, i could already tell this was going to be a long two weeks. "why're you in such a bad mood?" gus asked, "i'm not" i said. "yes you are, this is like definitely in the top 5 of grouchy kennedy days" he said. "this is just fucking stressful okay?" i snapped. "why? i'm alive so it's fine. even if i wasn't, you hate me and don't want to be with me anymore anyways" gus said. i sighed. "gus we've been over this, i don't hate you. i love you and i wish we could be together again but we can't. we're not good for each other. it's toxic and i can't trust you" i told him.

"it's cute you're so worried about me though" he said. "shut up" i rolled my eyes. little moments like this made me feel like things were back to how they used to be. a timer went off on my phone, i handed gus water and the proper pills. "here" i said. "the one said it'll probably make you tired, it's only 9 but you can go to bed whenever" i told him. "understood doc" he joked. "are you hungry?" i asked, "not really" he said "you should have something, you can't live off water, hospital juice and hospital jello" i scolded him. "maybe in the morning" he said "please eat something?" i asked again "don't feel like it" he refused again. i gave up on that.

"i have my phone set to ring, vibrate and flash obnoxiously so if you need me in the middle of the night absolutely do not get up just call me and i'll come to you" i informed him, he looked like he was about to fall asleep. "you're not sleeping in here?" he asked, as if it was obvious. "no, i'm sleeping on the couch" i told him. "oh" he said, disappointed. gus started to doze off a few minutes later, i wandered to the kitchen to see if there was anything i could have as a snack. his fridge was basically empty aside from a few random condiment bottles, a couple cartons of juice and some milk and eggs that were definitely expired. he had some cereal and crackers in the cupboards but nothing much else. jesus, had he heard of a vegetable since the last time i was here?

i gave up on trying to feed myself, going back to gus' room to check on him before i went to bed as well. he was sound asleep now. i sat on the edge of the bed, glancing at him for a moment. he seemed to be fine. i lightly took his hand in mine, i looked at him sadly. his body was frail, his breaths were rattly and sharp. "what have we come to gustav?" i whispered to myself, no matter what happened i don't think i could have just left him all alone like this.

things would be much easier and much less complicated if i just let him take me back, i felt like i was in a movie with an angel and devil sitting on each shoulder. it was hard loving someone you shouldn't, every moment i wanted to go back to him more and more but i knew i couldn't. i loved him and i missed him and i wanted us to be happy like we were months ago but i can't just go and erase everything between the lines. "i love you gus, please let something help me make the right choice here. i'm so lost" i whispered to him, even though i knew he couldn't hear me.

a/n
fun story of the day:
i literally almost died 3 times in the span of 15 minutes on the highway today bc 1) i forgot i was merging on the highway when i had 50m left going 40km too slow to merge on the highway 2) big truck almost ran me over because apparently i was going to slow on the OFF ramp 3) transport changed lanes and just absolutely almost demolished me

chapter question: tell me a story from today too idc what