Me And My Anxiety

My Anxiety

Ok, here goes... right now my hands are shaking while I'm writing this and my heart is beeping really fast.

Every day things aren't easy for me, opening the sitting room curtains, putting rubbish in the bin or even walking out the back door to my garden which has high wooding fences around it so no one can see but I still struggle to walk out of my back door. 

Going shopping is so hard, my body shakes, my heart beats so fast, I get hot and I breathing so fast.  I don't mind being in the car but as soon as I get out it's crazy, my mind goes so fast with everyone around.

I don't unlock the front door unless I know someone is coming and sometimes I lock it as soon as they leave.

I find it hard to shower,  I don't shower unless I have to or I can't stand my own smell.

I hoover every day, cook and do the washing, that's what I can do every day and even they are a push sometimes. 

I try to push myself with the housework it depends on the day. 

I hate is not knowing if someone is going to knock on the door if kat has ordered something and it shows up without me expecting it, the phone ringing or my mobile showing a number I don't know, I will not answer it or if Kat is home she will answer it. 

I don't like talking to people I don't know, I only talk to one doctor but he has left so I don't know what I'm meant to do know.  

Door to door salesmen are not allowed to knock on the door kat got a sticker and put it on the front door so they know not to knock but it doesn't always stop them.

Anxiety isn't just when your outside, it happens in my house as well

I don't promise anyone I will go with them out shopping or take them somewhere cause I can't keep it, I don't know how I will feel that day.

Yesterday I was calm so I did manage to go out my back door and try to play with luna who is one of the dogs but she wouldn't play with me I have 3 dogs and not one of them knows how to play. 

But I wake up today wanting to do nothing and hide from the world. 

I sit down on the floor and take deep breaths to try and calm myself down which sometimes helps but not often. 

Or I need to phone my parents and see if one of them can either come to mine and just talk to me on the phone until I'm calm or kind of calm. 

Talking to new people is so hard sometimes I wanna message someone on here but can't bring myself to do it. 

If someone messages me I try to talk back but they don't keep the conversation going so it goes nowhere and I try to keep it going but always fail big time. 

If I'm comfortable with them I will talk better but until I'm comfortable I can't do it. If you go away for like months I go back to being uncomfortable again so it's like starting again with me. I need a friend who is patient, caring and is understanding. I don't need people making me worse but people who help me or try to help. 

I get asked by kat's friends and my councillor what do you think will happen why you walk out the door and every time I say I know nothing is going to happen but my body reacts as something will even if my mind is clear my body reacts. I can't stop my body from reacting. 

If I know someone is coming who I don't know or know but haven't talked to them I get nervous and scared, I don't like people sitting next to me so if kat's friends come over she will give them her seat or she gives me her seat so I'm comfortable.  I need to know a week before so I can try to process it but it doesn't help much. Her friends will talk to her when she is here but if she goes to the toilet or something they don't talk or as me a question apart from Lisa, Kat's boss, she had anxiety so she kind of knows how I feel, she understood and talked to me she didn't ignore me. She talked to me like a normal person which some people don't know if they should talk to me or not. she invited me to her bit but she said when I was ready even if it's for one cup of tea or if I sit outside her bit in the car but when I'm ready I can go, she is so understanding.

I need someone with me at all times when I'm out, I need to see them always and Sometimes I just need to hold on to their top or bag sometimes which made's people think I have something wrong like a disability. Some people ignore me or stand too close to me these are people kat knows.

Because the way I am kat has to do more for me and this sometimes pushes her to fare I wish I was different I wish I could help her more but hopefully, I will get it under control and one day I hope to help other people with mental health problems, that is a goal of mine, my wish. 

Okay so that is my anxiety, if you would like to tell me your mental health problems please do. I would like to learn about different mental health problems so hopefully one day I will help someone else. 

        I'll update this sometimes when I'm having good days or bad days

Well that's it so thank you for reading and remembers everyone's mental health is different it has the same name but affects everyone differently.