Me And My Anxiety

03/05/2021

I didn't always have Anxiety, I didn't know anything about it before my life was turned upside down in a way I never thought it would. I never realised I always hd someone with me when I nipped to the shop. Someone was always with me when when I went to Dumfries on the bus to go to my driving lessons my nana came with me.  I had my mum with me or kat with me but mostly Rebecca so when Rebecca passed I couldn't walk out the front door, I didn't want to go to any of the places I took her and I still haven't, I can go down to Annen cause I only dropped her off but I will not go to Hetland Garden Centre I took Rebecca (Or Rexie as I called her) down with mum for lunch, mum feed Rexie while I had mine and as soon as Rexie was finished she wanted to move she was never good at sitting and waiting at all so I would grab her wheelchair and we would run away and hide from mum while we looked about then walk slowly so she would look at the lights or plants then we would go, find mum. It's my special place with Rexie and even just think about the place makes my heart fast and I start to get breathless maybe one day I will go back but right now after 4 years, I can't see that happening. I have a guy coming tomorrow to fix the toilet downstairs and of course, kat is working, mum is working and dad is working so I have to deal with him which is freaking me out. The house phone rang and I did answer after debating but they wanted kat but isn't here so they said they would phone back at some point so I texted kat to let her know and she asked if I asked who it was, she knows I freeze I never ask them who it is, my mind goes blank. 

I hate talking on the phone with someone I don't know I can talk to my family, my councillor if I have to but would rather she came out which of course she hasn't been able to do for so long cause of the lockdown.

I struggle wearing the mask but I have to, I feel like I'm suffocating, they are so hard to breathe in, I hope they won't keep the masks and I hope it goes away soon. I hate them so much like a lot of people. 

I managed to go out the back down five times which is a big thing to me and went out the front and helped move this horrible plant that was out there it was like long grass or big leaves and it had small flowers but I and my sister kat agreed we didn't like it and hopefully we can put roses into that places. We got rid of some of it but not all of it cause it's so hard to get it out it kept growing non-stop so I was out for like 2 hours which is a big deal for me too. 

I did try making goals but they never worked but Kat's boss said I could go to her's when this is all over or whatever and if I can bring myself to do I could and it is so crazy at least I don't need to think about it just know. 

Idk why I wrote this I think I just had to write something cause I haven't in so long