Me And My Anxiety

02/04/2021

Today I feel really shaky and I'm not sure why. Kat is away but that's normal. no one's been at the door and I haven't even opened the curtains in the sitting room all I've done so far is had my meds and had breakfast and watched Judge Judy, I have the dogs running around inside and I let them out now and then for the bathroom but I haven't done anything else.

I don't know if it's because Kat wants to go out tomorrow to the shop and she wants me to go with her which is probably what is making me shaky.

I always have my parents nagging at me about going out more ok here is the thing we are still on lockdown and I have no friends in Scotland or anywhere in the UK at all plus, we have one car which kat needs she has it Monday to Friday and sometimes Saturday depends if they need her or not.

I don't think people understand anxiety and how hard it can be for someone with it, it never goes away but it can be controlled. I am on meds for it I take two tablets in the morning and one at night but still they don't help but I think with the pain killers I need to be careful what other meds I can take. 

I wish my parents understood what I go through, I wish they could go through what I go through for one day to see how hard it is for me but that won't happen. 

Lisa kat's boss is so understanding because she went through it and still does go through it sometimes but she can control it most of the time but she won't go down the street, she will send her son instead or someone else if she can. I don't blame her I send kat or someone else as much as I can. 

I've tried different tricks like listening to music when I'm out but It doesn't work, taking deep breaths which don't work. I have no idea what else to try, Maybe I need my councillor to come with me when this lockdown is over and see if she can come up with idea's see my councillor comes out to see me in my house (Before the lockdown and after it) but cause of the lockdown all we can go is zoom which I don't like, I know she lives alone apart from her two dogs and she would never phone when someone was there with her but it's not the same as seeing her face to face in my house where I can be more open you never know who is listening in on zoom someone would be listening in who hacked or something I know it's weird but really being in my house with me is way better and easier for me to talk to her. 

I don't know if anyone will read this and I don't care I hope it will help me, people say talking about stuff helps but I'm not good at talking but writing well that completely different so I write things down and how knows maybe one day someone will read this and help them open up about there mental health. I'm a very good listener and would try to help people as much as I can. If I help other people I forget all about my shit. 

Don't ever think I'm weak because I'm not I wouldn't still be here if I was weak I know I can control it one day, it might take a long time or a short time to control it but I will not give up trying. I'm strong, not weak I will control it one day, I'm not weak because I need help or support asking for help is the strongest thing you can do.