Love

Fireworks and Flowers

That summer festival was unforgettable, with her small hands clinging onto mine so we won't get separated. Watching the fireworks shine at their brightest and fading into the dark night. But the only memory I have was not of the fireworks, but the smile she wore on her face while viewing the magical sparks.

"Let's enjoy the view!" She'd say. 

Of course, we spent our days together, days turned to months and months turned to years. Before I even knew it, we were getting distant with time. Having spent almost all my life with her, it's hard not to think about her. 

College came and pass, we decided to hang out every weekend as much as possible. I notice how she got thinner and paler, but I tried to brush it off since she hated that topic. 

But...

It was sooner than later.

------------

"You know we can talk about this..." I said as I poured the apple juice in the cup. Apple juice, it wasn't her favorite, but it was the only the thing I could think of buying since the stores were closed.

"Like I said, I just fell. Plus I'll recover soon!" I turned to see a forced smile filled with regret. I sighed and handed her the cup.

"I'm not dumb you know. I'm just..."

Scared.

"I still have to get a job and experience the life of an adult you know!" She grabbed the juice out of my hands and gulped it down. White didn't suit her, at least not the white she was wearing. 

One day I know all our plans are going to fade away, how we promised to stick together forever, how we talked about how we're going to babysit each of our kids. But we never talked about how all of that was going to end.

"Oh, how are the others doing?" She asked after wiping the juice off her mouth with her hand. 

"I told you to use a tissue," how long do we have until the next summer festival? 
"You dumbass." 

"Hehe, but I'm your dumbass."

"Yeah...you sure are." I said as I gently pushed her head, making her laugh. Even in these times, you have the power to make me smile. Yet I'm here, always being affected by you.

---------------

Two weeks later we met up at the shopping district. It was buzzed with people and tourists, as my eyes searched for her a text came in.

[I'm under the bakery sign "Sweet Aroma"]

I scanned the area and headed towards a beige sign with black letters carved into it.

"Yo! Where do you wanna go?" She asked as she stuffed her phone in the pocket.

"Winter isn't the best time for this..."

"Shut up you shut-in, you need to spend more time outside." She slapped my back and laughed, making the winter cold vanish for a second.

"The arcade is good." I replied as I gripped her hand.

If these feelings are growing bigger and overflowing, what's the method to stop them?
How should I hold your frail, small hand?
How much strength do I have to charge in so that you won't let go?
And how...do I stop the pain? 

-----------------

Spring.

Those memories are still left...but it's all different with you sitting in a wheel-chair. 

"Let's head to the festival!" She said while smiling. I patted her head while she was trying to hold back tears, I'm not good at comforting others- but at least, let me be by her side.

"We can make it after your surgery. Come on, stay strong dumbass." 

'Stay Strong'. Her everyday words, I don't know if it was to encourage others or herself. 

"Yeah..." 

-----------------

I'm scared.

The fireworks are about to start, while pushing her wheel-chair to our rendezvous spot, the scene of her watching it last year was still frozen in me. Once with both our families, then it became the two of us. Later...I'll be alone.

If these feelings are overflowing with this pain, how do I stop it?
How do I convey this pain in my chest? Just by staying by your side was enough, but I want more time. I know the promises that were left behind in this place, the words we said to each other. But those will only remain as memories...yet I wanted more.

It hurts.

"Ah it's starting." She said as we both looked upon the sky. The first firework flashed a bright tone of red. And before I knew it, my vision started to become blurry with these tears I tried to hold back. 

With what strength am I holding your hand right now?

"Let's...enjoy this..." 

I know. I'm trying, but I can't help these tears from escaping. I wiped them off and tried to smile as her grip was slowly weakening bit by bit. 

One more time.

Is it okay to be selfish at this point? Can I tell you how much happiness you've given me over these past years while you yourself endured all those painful times?

"I...I enjoyed it..." My throat was built up with the times of our first promise. Holding her hand tighter, hoping I wasn't hurting her I turned to her.

What's that expression?

Smiling at me you said...

"Thank you."

"Me...?"
Thank...you...? 

Her hand slipped from my fingertips. I wanted to know what she meant by that. I wanted to know what she's been thinking during the times we spent.

I wanted her to lean on me. I wanted her to depend on me and open up to me, I wanted her to tell me that she was suffering and sad and she wanted to rest. 

"Weren't you looking at the fireworks?! Didn't you say...y-you...dumb...i-idiot..."

Deep down I know the answer, I don't know if my cries will be shut out, but I knew, she didn't come here for the fireworks. 

I knew that, but I couldn't bring myself to say it.

All this time...she kept looking at me. Was I that of an unreliable lover? Or was it that you're so selfish...? 

--------------------

That day, she received more flowers than ever, the only one who didn't give her a bouquet was me. In the end, I placed a zinnia.

'Regret is stronger than gratitude.'
That's why, I can only offer you one flower.
One flower to show that I regretted not assuring you that I love you.

 I remember you loved using the flower language.

Zinnia : A genus plant of the sunflower tribe within the daisy family. It's meaning is ; Lasting affection.

Each week, I'll come visit you...dumbass.

{The End of 'Fireworks and Flowers'}