Love

Meeting You

Expectations.

'I'm looking forward to your next work.'

Motivations.

'Don't worry, you're my daughter after all!'

Affection.

'Yeah, I love you a lot.'

But everything I've been given seems...gray. Was I pampered on because they wanted me to become the ideal person in their minds. Or was it just out of pure will? I can't even seem to distinguish those any more. But I never said I hated it, I just don't feel comfortable with people thinking I'm the 'ideal person' they created in their minds. 

Even at times like these... I still can't forgive myself for wanting someone. A person with a twisted mindset and a degraded view in life can barely ever treasure someone. 

Even though I was loved at home, I resented school. Everywhere you go, there're looks which judge you and are watching for openings to find your weakness and attack you. Be it students or teachers, everyone there was trash of the lowest league. 

There's nothing the teachers could do? What a fucking joke. Only if the teachers would stop listening to one side of the story, then there wouldn't be a scarred victim. If only they'd start putting more effort into teaching the 'dumb and troublesome' kids, and stopped favoring the smart ones, then there wouldn't be a person who'd build walls around them for protection.

The students there would take out their anger on other students and act as if they rule the class. A lot of us were 'simply teased' due to how we looked or what the color of our skin was. 
'They're just teasing you because they want to be friendly.' 
My fucking ass. There's a clear line between being friendly and bullying. And the people who can't see those lines are the adults.

Due to those reasons, no wonder there's so many people willing to commit suicide, some give into it. Others who sought for help were cured or sent for help, as the elders called it...'crazy'.

Like how 'crazy' he went and left us.

Crazy for them, but it became normal for me at one point. Escaping with the pain on my wrists became normal for me and trying to forget the past and killing emotions became normal for me.

Until you came.

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We met during through our parents' connection and you seemed like you're actually here to make friends. I could care less if it's an act or not. 

"Damn, the meeting's boring." 

"Yeah." I replied as I looked out the balcony.

"Here." she handed me a bottle of ointment. I raised my brow to ask her what it was for and she answered.

"They're pretty but you should cover them," she grabbed my hand and rolled my sleeve up, "because if they see it, they'll hit you." 

What are those eyes?

"They'll hit your face and tell you you're a mad, mentally ill person while they ignore what they did to you. Later, they'll come over and apologize and you have no choice but to forgive them cuz they're your 'parents', kinda shit." she rubbed the cold, ointment on my wrists which some parts stung and some didn't.

I quickly pulled my hand back and looked away. I hated myself at these critical times where I'm supposed to talk back...but I can't. Those eyes...as if the words she said happened to her. 

"Take this, it heals them faster." 

"H-ho-how did you know about this...?" I asked as she brushed her hair. 

"And after you forgive them, you realize that you can't bring yourself to hate them. Twisted right? Apparently, there's someone who cares about your 'strange' behavior like my mom did to me. But man, you're strong."

Huh? 

Suddenly, I could barely make out your face in the frosty wind. You grabbed my hand and let out a laugh, pulling me close to your body and covering me from the bitter wind. I could only look down and see  blurry white tiles, not knowing where you were taking me. 

"Okay.." I heard a door close and felt someone's arms wrapped around me. I don't know this feeling...it's tingling and making me want to cry more and I...can't kill it. 

It was just a hug and some words from a complete stranger, yet they felt so warm and kind. Soft and light feelings enveloped me.

"I...I-i'm sorry..." 

"You did nothing wrong." she patted my head as I held onto her tighter.

"Crying isn't a bad thing, sometimes you just have to let those feelings flow out with the tears. Holding back seems harder so it's okay to choose the easier option. Easier than letting blood flow. Right?" 

Hurt and getting hurt was the norm for everyone. You were just a stranger who was supposed to avoid me and leave. But was that really what I wished for? I know that deep deep down, I wanted to be found by someone. But I was scared.

Scared that they won't accept me, rather, I was afraid to even accept those parts of me. 

The meaning behind your words are strange to me, so one day, I want to find them out. 

--------------------

"I'm still wondering how you can still laugh after all those happened to you." I asked her as she took a sip from her cup.

"Maybe...it's because I took of my mask? I just went with the flow ya know. Plus, you seem to be doing pretty well yourself." She smiled at me and I chuckled. 

I can't kill these emotions.

"Guess you can't keep dwelling on the past." she chuckled back.

Then...

"But it's fine to keep those memories too ya know."

"Yeah...crying really isn't a bad thing."

"Sure isn't." I patted her head and smiled.

Let me treasure them.

{The End of "Meeting You"}