Love

This Twisted Life of Ours

What's the difference between memories and feelings? And...is there a really a limit to everything?

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There's always a part of yourself you don't like. That goes for everyone, and everyone would keep saying that 'it's normal'. Having a demon inside you is normal. So would it be normal if you're eaten by the 'demon' and succumb to insanity?

Probably not.

Someone once asked me a strange question.

'What's the difference between memories and feeling?' and I wonder...why I couldn't answer him back then. But now I think I could answer him.

Feelings will die out, memories are ghosts which haunt you to see mirages and hallucinate about your past.

It's like when your emotions play with time. See? When you're happy, time flies quickly and the greed of wanting to keep experiencing that joy surfaces. But when you're sad, you can't seem to enjoy anything, from your hobbies to the smallest details ; everything turns to a whole new world of despair.

Those experiences remains as 'memories' due to temporary feelings. And idiots make permanent decisions based on those temporary feelings.

Everyone fell victim to it, and some...barely recover.

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If I were to pinpoint the most common feeling, then it's hatred. Loving someone can end so easily, but why can't hating someone end like that? Rewinding memories also causes your 'feelings' to arise.

That's why I can't stand elders.

They selfishly expect the best out of other individuals and selfishly get disappointed, then they'd blame it on the 'victim' and tell bullshit like 'Because you're not trying enough'. How low can those higher-ups get?

But I can't blame them when we, the 'victims' are sucking up to their approval too. But why is that? Do we have to go to such lengths for mere approval? The answer differs for each of us.

Some wants approval to obtain their goals, dream or even power. I could care less. Both groups benefit from hurting each other, because that helps us to understand more about society and it helps them to 'rest in peace' later on in their last moments.

I can tell him the difference, but what's the point now that he's living his life without me? I was just a mere fragment of his life and so was he to mine. But those mere parts and crossroads will hurt us and help us.

That's just how twisted life is.

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There's a limit to everything? If the answer is yes, then why isn't there a limit to greed, resentment and idiots? 

I don't know either. So let's just leave that question a mystery locked away at the back of our minds. Because I want to witness a certain person break her limits. Someone I've always loved and admired, but at the same time I hated her. 

She was always good at everything, praised by my parents, they would compare her to me and kept saying 'You should try hard like her', yeah maybe they should've tried appreciating their second daughter for who they were.

Or just use protection instead.

I'm not blaming my sister for being good at everything, the thing she's worst at is saying one simple word.
'No.'

It's faint but I can slowly hear it.

"You drew this? It's amazing!"

Crack

"Yeah, you too how did the date go?"

"Hmm, not bad! He was really kind and reliable. Oh, the test went well too, as always 100 percent. But, I haven't made up with her..."

I'm always living in her shadow but...

"You know, sometimes you should stop doing things half-assed." 

I shouldn't have said that.

"Maybe, but things are better this way." Because she always lived as her 'ideal, special self', she doesn't know how to resolve simple things. That's why I hate her. 

Crack

"But it's my fault...because I did things half-baked, I'm losing someone precious to me."

It's getting louder.

"I read in a book that you should give them a taste of their own medicine or...just take back what you lost." I kept drawing while she sat down.

"It's fine, I'll patch things up later."

Crack

It's getting annoying.

I know that deep down I know I can't help her, and she won't seek for my help. After all, I'm the 'younger kid'. But she can't hear it breaking. The part I hate about her most is how she can put others before her and it's a sick trait called kindness. 

In the end, what goes around barely comes around. I guess that's what people call karma. If there's a world where people are rewarded for their kindness, I wish I could see you there. 

But I can't.

I choose to be logical and 'depressing' from their perspectives. Just because you want to save something so desperately doesn't mean it's going to work out. There's a low chance but you think you can gap into that chance? 

Maybe you could. But I couldn't, because I didn't even try to. 

If someone from your life is going to disappear, you either have to be selfish or let go of them. I choose the latter. Because it hurts less.

That's why I'll never see my sister in the 'kind world' because I live in the opposite world of her. 

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There's this saying that people's hearts are like a vase right?

But instead of hearts, feelings and awareness, people have these jars inside them. Some are empty, some are full but most are broken. You can replace a broken jar but it'll never be the same one, you can choose to enjoy your replacement or be sad about it. Either works.

"You should go comfort her, after all..."

'I'm her sister.'

"Yeah.. I'll be right back." I headed towards her room, hearing her sobs. There are two types of 'kind' people after getting hurt. 
One that doesn't regret being kind.
And the one who blames themselves even more. 

Sadly, almost everyone is the latter. And she's no exception. 

"It was my fault. If only didn't tell her those back then." She kept mumbling and mumbling words I can barely make out. 

Bang

It finally broke.

"Hey..." I felt uneasy walking towards her, but I also felt a sense of responsibility. I sat beside her and patted her head until she ran dry.

"This is all your fault." 

"Pfft haha..HAHAH...Thanks."

She looked at me awed from my response, as if she thought I was joking. I can't lie that I'm not joking. People tend to deny the truth and when someone brings up the truth they're scared of, they start shunning on them.

"I'll get going now."

Kind people always blame themselves, that's why they break so easily. And that's why I'm in her shadow. Because her shadow is a part of her 'demon'. 

I could get out of it, but I won't. After all, it's a nice place to survive through this twisted world. 

Not everything has a limit, but when something does, then that's as far as they're capable of holding the 'jar' of the current situation.