Country Star

Learning to forgive.

Learning to move on is not the easiest thing there is, we can sit here and hid in my apartment but Mason was having to go back to work. I did not take well to having to bury my baby I did not think that they made coffins that small. My wounds seemed to heal alright after being shot but then my C-section scar makes me think I once created life. But a fan that was to crazy with my fiancé they ripped away our chance to have a family. They made me go thru surgery for twelve long hours, I now have to fear when Mason goes on tour I have to worry if he will have to come home. Days after losing Cole I laid in the bed barley moved barley cared to do anything all I wanted to do was cry, my heart longed for Cole. I wanted to be a mom so bad I looked forward to the late nights, and the bottle making. Our apartment is baby proofed and I have to walk by his room everyday and I have to look at his diaper bag. Mason took it so hard but he took to the news for me and told them what happened. Apart of me did not feel like I owed them anything but I guess that Mason needed to vent and talk about what happened that night. I know it hurts but I am scared that things are falling apart I love Mason so much but I guess the late nights are getting to me I have to fall asleep by myself, I struggle with the pain of losing my son. Mason was a loud to come home for a night before he fly's to Texas this morning. He went out to see his family I did not want to see anyone I have been home since I have been home from the hospital I do not leave for anything. I just do not want to see anyone or have to deal with any drama, I just want to avoid the drama, and the press by all costs. I heard the dryer beep I went down the stairs to fold his clothes and pack his suitcase, I opened and began moving this around then I opened this small envelope it had a picture of our son with us our last photos. I began to tear up and I felt like I was about to loose it, he really did love him and me. As I folded the clothes I began to put them away I felt something at the bottom under the flip.. But what could it be? I could have sworn he just bought this suitcase.. When I flipped it up I saw a small baggie with some white powder and a bottle of whiskey and condoms, I just felt the anger boil in my veins. Was he cheating me? It has been only five months, we just lost our son and he is doing drugs and drinking and cheating on me.

I just threw his clothes on top of the suitcase and just went to the room I could not handle this and losing our son. It seemed like everything was falling down and crashing down on me. I am so sure this has been boiling down in him for months I mean any concert they have planned he could be cheating me was his manager helping him cheat was he sleeping with her? I know losing a baby could cause the stress of everything I just want to understand. And at this point and I want to be sure that if he is cheating on me I want to leave him.. I can not do this stress and on top of that I can not process all this. Apart of me is hurting inside and I want to understand. I heard the open," Honey I am home!" I walked down the stairs and saw him kind of spaced out I looked at him and I got more angry. " Mason I know, you are cheating on me and I found the coke in your bag and the acholic in your suitcase. I want a clean breakup I do not want to have any drama. It is not like we have kids so we can just spilt it easy." He came towards me his eyes were completely blood shot he swung back his hand and as hit hand hit my face I felt the sting I winced in pain as I hit the floor. " Shut the fuck up I am not cheating on you yeah I drink do coke yeah but I need something to, I need relief you just lay in bed and cry all the time. I do not want to come home and see that I want that girl back I fell in love with he was my son to you do not seem to care. Your just not the girl I feel in love with Maci I am sorry." I rubbed my cheek and stood up very shaky I turned to him and said," Leave then I am done. Keep your ring I am not wanting your money." I slammed the bedroom door and I just heard him pack his stuff, I know I am not the girl I was but being shot and losing my son I needed time to heal. I owe it to myself to grow and move thru the pain I love him but the love ain't there anymore. My heart wants him but the moving for me is what I have to do for myself. It is time to move on and put myself first.