Country Star

Saying Sorry

Something about pain is so centered in trauma and I will never be able to unseen her hanging there. Or feeling her cold body as she laid there I never will and I will always wonder what the baby might have been or what would have came of her.  At the end of the day I think she would have been a great mom because she knows what her mom did to her when she lost her so I kind of figured. But my dad told me he did not know why it had to happen the way it did but to more or less embrace her life and keep taking care of Walker and Luke. But I can not seem to find out why or how it had to happen the way it did. She seemed fine and so happy to be home with us and get to move into the guest house. But then something in her snapped, and I wish I could do something anything to make it be alright. But it is not okay and I am so scared all the time that my other kids will have the same depression issues or something else will happen. Mason has always been so supportive and been there from me. And I can not imagine my life with him and my kids. He has been my support base and he has always will been so supportive and I know I have to move on and keep going thru life. Mason came in the room and laid Walker next to me and I smiled and pushed her hair out of her eyes. And I kissed her on the forehead," I feed her Mace do you need anything?" I looked around to the mess of the room and the mess everywhere else and the piles of clothes everywhere. " I just need help Mason I can not do this on my own, I need someone to help clean the house I am tired of looking at it. And I need the fridge cleaned from all the food people brought us from her funeral." He came over and kissed me and shook his head. I just pulled in a hug and he kissed me," Can I go to the studio and write some music and work with the boys?" I just shook my head and got up as he left I grabbed Walker and put the kids in the living room and let them play. I went thru the pile of mail on the table and just threw the junk away. The kids were playing and dancing around without a care in the world and I wish I could live like them. I hope that they never hurt or want for anything.  Walker is almost two and Luke is five and I hope I giving them what they want.

I went to the bedroom and began picking up the laundry and sent it to the wash room and I began putting them in the washer. Then I texted Mason I was taking the kids to dads house it was about an hour away. And I loaded them up and began to drive I spent the day with my dad and Mason has not answered me really as much. So I did not even bother to tell him I was heading home he was in the studio. As I went on the drive the kids were asleep and I pulled in the driveway and saw Masons truck in the driveway. I left the kids in the SUV running so maybe he would he help me unload them. Made up the stairs to hear some noises and I grabbed the fire poker from down stairs when I swung open our bedroom door I saw Mason with another woman all I saw was the blonde hair she was on top of him. When he saw me he shoved her off and I dropped the fire stick and just began to cry. I just wanted to scream and I looked at him in shock," Maci, Maci I love you I am sorry it has been so hard on me. I really love you and the kids." I just started backing up from him and just waved my hands for him not to touch me. I ran down the stairs and tried to get away from him. " I do not want anything to do with you Mason I am taking the kids and I will call our lawyer and get this cleaned up and break up easy. Here's your ring I am done I do not want even look you at you.. You make me sick." I tried to him  his ring but he would not take it so I dropped it down in front of him. And turned away from him I began to drive I am just tired of the drama, and I am tired of the lies, I am so tired of the way he treats me. I am just tired and I can not be a good mom for my kids if I am tired, I am just tired of the games and the rumors. I am just tired and I can not do this. I am tired of trying to make my marriage work I am just tired of it all. My knees hurt from being on them crying I am surprised I have not snapped I am tired of the lies I am just tired of being a good woman and getting no where I am tired of being strong. These two kids in the back need me I am what they look for safety and look at me for guidance I am just tired. Drove what seemed like hours and I went to the bank and signed my name ," I need 100,000 dollars all in large bills and I also want an extra 200,000 dollars so all together I need 300,000 dollars in large bills." They looked me like I said a large sum of money but this is what I need to start over. " Okay Miss. Wright here is the money in the bag and your remaining balance is 113 million dollars. " I just took the bag and told them to put in my SUV, I was parked in the alley way and I dropped my phone in the alley and ran it over. I did not want to have any ties to Mason anymore. I am done with it I am to tired to deal with this I am just tired of all it. Then my kids looked at me and asked where we were going I just told them not to worry about it everything will be okay. We ended up a hotel and I tucked the kids in bed and just began to scramble the thoughts in my head.  I picked the motel phone up and called the lawyer," I got my money I need and I want a clean divorce and I only request for the SUV for the kids but anything else I do not want he can have it all. I wish to not see him and I am filing for full custody of the kids since I am the one who takes care of them 24/7 no contact." The lawyer told me that sounded very do able. I just was angry and hurt I could not think of why he would do this and she was going to start drawing up the paperwork. I laid next to my kids and just watched them sleep and rubbed there heads. This has been so stressful I want these kids to be happy and healthy and I want them to have the life they deserve. And I feel bad keeping them away from there dad they need there dad no matter what and I can not take them away from him. He has been a good dad to them and I should not take that away from them. I got out of bed and picked up the phone and called Mason. He answered it sounded like he was crying, " I want to have it place that you get the kids every weekend Friday morning to Sunday night and as a family we will have the holidays together. I do want to take the kids from you I want you to see them and I can not hurt them because we did not work out. And I do not care if that girl is your girlfriend she can meet the kids and get to know them. I will never talk about you to them and I would like same respect." It was quiet for a second," She is not my girlfriend Maci I love you but I would like that, thank you for being mature about it. I will help you and buy you a house or an apartment whatever you want. And I will pay 3,000 a month for both kids so they do not feel like they have no money or want for anything." I just sighed and said," Okay that is fine since it is Friday I will bring the kids in the afternoon since I am far away." We hung up and I went to lay next to the kids. When I woke up they were watching tv I got them breakfast and we went on the road and when I got to the house I felt so out of place being here. I never thought I would have to knock on my own houses front door. Once he answered the door I handed him Walker and Luke ran in he felt so at home. " The nanny is here today can we talk outside?" I shook my head and we walked to the backyard and I sat on the patio chair. It was so awkward and I just began to look at him like I hated him but how can I hate the man I once loved." I want you to move in the guest house. Since you wanted to move out I had someone move your stuff in there and I bought stuff for the kids to live there with you. So we can still raise the kids together." I just shook my head," Yeah that is fine at least they won't be affected by anything that is smart." He smiled at me and I just raised up the key and began to walk to guest house. When I walked in I began to cry I am so scared that I am losing everything am I can not understand why this has had to happen.