the hilt | eren jaeger

f i v e - B.H.

[TW: Mentions of Abuse & Violence]

[Season 2 & 3 Spoilers Present]

YEAR 848~

Over time, everything blossomed.

It was a slow bloom, but when the petals take even longer to fall off the buds, that's when you know it was for the right reason.

That's how it felt, day in and day out.

It'd been a year since we all enrolled in the 104th, and three since I became the bearer of tragedy and death━ the pariah of murder.

The time passed, every second more meaningless than the last.

But the meaninglessness was truly beautiful. I couldn't be mad at it━ I could only be mad at this world for being so cruel.

It was beyond tyrannical to those who had already been beaten, and it only raised up those who didn't need help in the first place.

It was a cycle of winners staying in first place, and dead-ends staying firm under the boot of the victorious.

The cycle was vicious- but the acknowledgement of its existence only tightened the boot's constraint, so compliance was the only option.

From time to time, I'd wonder how the other warriors were doing, back in our hometown.

How would they look at me? Would they see me as a pitiful martyr, or as a man who did what he needed to do? 

How would Pieck see me? 

How would she tolerate me falling deeper and deeper in love with the one person she ever truly cared about? 

How would Galliard look at me, once he found out that his brother had died, and that I wanted to throw away that sacrifice━ all just for a girl we all once knew? 

I'd have to abandon everything I'd ever known in order to keep her safe.

But I couldn't.

Words from the past and the generals surrounded me, echoing around in my head, like a guilt-tripping failsafe, destined to keep me compliant.

This was all for Marley. 

All for the glory and grace of Marley.

The Eldians I surrounded myself with were devils━ all of them.

But the more I watched, the more I knew that Marley was wrong. They were all wrong. 

But they all needed to pay. To pay for their bloodstained history, to pay for the sins of their ancestors, whose existences were long, long gone.

It was a useless and futile war.

Power for the sake of power meant nothing, but I had a job to do, and an obligation to carry out.

My will often wavered, but I knew that I couldn't allow it to permanently dissipate.

Without my devotion to Marley, who was I?

What was I supposed to be? What was I supposed to do?

So I clung to it, trying to not be thrown off my grip by mere disturbances in energy that surrounded me. 

But Josephine was a disturbance. She corrupted what little sanity I had left, and captivated me with her gaze and firmness. 

She was all I could think about, the only hand that could truly pull me out of the water that was drowning me with my sins.