the hilt | eren jaeger

t w e n t y n i n e - E.J.

We stood on the bluff at night. In front of us lay the sea, about forty meters down.

Hair was flowing in the wind, billowing behind our shoulder blades. Mine had grown to be as long as hers now. 

I hadn't any clue as to how we'd ended up here. My mind was blurry, and Jo had been far more quiet this evening than she usually was. Not that she was the talkative in the first place, but the air felt empty and forthcoming at times she normally would've interjected.

I wondered why. But I did not ponder it for long. 

Her gaze did not break from the moonlight that casted itself on the waves, "We're getting through this... together... Right?" It sounded cautious. Fearful of the answer. 

"Yeah." My answer was curt. No need to elongate such a strenuous thought.

Her brows furrowed, her voice barely even a whisper, "Yeah..."

She looked over to me, lower eye lids slightly squinting. If anything, she looked tired, and trying to analyze something. Her jaw clenched. I did not look to her direction. 

My hands were firm in my pockets, and my shoulders drooped a bit. It hurt to see her look at me that way.

"Where'd you go, Eren?"

"I haven't gone anywhere."

Her eyes trailed me up and down, not in an objectifying manner, but rather displeased. A hand reached out to my head, slowly combing through the locks with her fingertips. A slow blink. Cheekbones were chilly in the night.

"You're constantly brooding." She paused, "You look constipated, as Levi said."

She saw my nostrils flare as the slightest hint of a laugh came out. To her, I didn't seem to be laughing at all. And to her, I certainly didn't seem happy.

And after that, there was silence.

A cricket would chirp in the grass behind us.

Waves would rock against the shore.

The low, shrill cry of a bird could be heard.

I could hear the wisps of air as they exited her throat.

Gravel rustling underneath her boots as she shifted her weight.

It hadn't been like this between us since the first few weeks we had known each other. The silence was never this loud, the constricting feeling on the throat would usually have gone away by now. Was it my fault or was it hers? 

This wasn't fair to her. She didn't deserve to feel alienated around me, but nevertheless, I can't change what has already come to pass.

"'Can't seem to figure it out."

She hummed quizzically, her head pivoting to look at my figure, but she could not meet my eyes. Had she always been unable to look at me?

"I can't seem to figure out where it went wrong."

Her voice was monotone as she responded, its life and sarcasm washed away with the time she had spent stressed and worried, "I don't think it ever went wrong. This is just how it's always been. We can't blame ourselves for the problems caused by the people who came before us."

"Then why do you suffer so much? Why does everyone suffer so much?"

"Suffering's just the name of the game, at this point. We all just have to accept it. There isn't a way out." No emotion from her, again. 

"Nobody's free."

She rolled her eyes. "Don't say it like that, Eren. We're only slaves to our own inevitable deaths. Nothing else. What do you even think freedom is? Why are you so dead set on it?"