i am a fake.
i am a fraud.
i wish things were more complicated so i had an excuse to be the way i am
but they're not
and i'm not
i'm just a bitch
i cant do this
i wish i was dead
and i wish i didn't exist
i wish i had never existed in the first place
i want to cry
so so badly
everything i do makes me want to curl up and cry
i spend every waking moment wishing i could run and hide and cry, even if i'm already running and hiding and crying.
i'm terrified
all of the time.
sometimes waves of heat course through my body and make me feel like i'm being choked.
sometimes i wake up sweating and gasping and so, so scared.
i dont know what i'm scared of.
i always end up curled away from my door, facing the wall, pressing my cheek to the cold stone.
pressing my sweaty hands and watching condensation gather at my fingertips as i listen to my breathing slowly even out.
i wish it would even out fully.
i wish my hands would stop sweating.
i wish i would stop shaking so badly i can't function.
i cant do this
no one helps anymore
they got tired of me.
they took a second look and realised, 'oh fuck! this bitch is more messy than we thought! time to go!!' and fucked themselves right off
i want to cry again
i feel sick again
i'm sorry
