The Secret Shrink

....Broken

         I carried the baby clothes and card in my backpack all week, to the office even to the field, if she was going too, so I would be ready no matter where she told me. However, she did not say anything the entire week. She had even become more distant regardless of all the good gestures I did just to present a conducive environment for her to tell me the news. I even started thinking I might be wrong, and she was just plain bored with me. That weekend I spent most of my time in the house just staring at the backpack that had the baby things. I took a pen and paper and wrote to her my suspensions and what I thought was the best way forward. As I wrote I realized she was young and so was I and maybe she did not feel ready to make our commitment official and permanently let alone start a family with me and a baby.
           Monday came, I was exhausted from all my thoughts and I woke up late. I left the house in a hurry and forgot the backpack that day but I carried the letter since it was already in my jacket hoping to give to Sharon. When I got to the office there was a note from the guidance and counseling department requesting me to see Sister Anna. I locked the letter in my drawer and rushed to her office next to the chapel. I was almost sure it was about one of the community boys under the program I was taking part in as a mentor. I was definitely not ready for what I found there.
          Sister Anna started by telling me about types of adoption legally available for a couple that was not ready to raise a child. Then about the importance of thinking about the best decision not only for myself but for my partner and the baby. On assessing Sister Anna’s talks, I was sure Sharon was pregnant and instead of coming to me first she had rushed to Sister Anna. It was understandable, all things considered but talking about the adoption of our child without seeking my opinion was not what I expected from her.
          After that realization, my mind just shut down from what sister Anna was saying and went into its own island of thoughts about why Sharon would want to give up our child. Why she felt like she couldn't come to me and why she considered adoption. I could adopt the baby myself, but I was a recovering wreck. How would I take care of a baby on my own if I can barely take care of myself? I was so deep in thought that I did not hear Sharon coming in. The next thing I heard was Sister Anna saying something about a medical abortion and putting the entire issue behind us all. I stood looked at Sharon and I could feel tears forming in the corner of my eyes. She had even thought of abortion without discussing it with me. I could feel anger, disappointment, and confusion all at the same time.
            I looked at Sister Anna and told her, “If I can’t raise my baby no one should so she must have an abortion I will cater for all expenses. Make it soon to ensure no danger comes to Sharon so she can get back to her life soonest possible.”
          Then without waiting for anyone’s response I walked out. I went straight to the human resource office and filled a week of leave of absence without pay so that it was not denied. I went back to my desk, picked the letter, and took it to the father at the chapel, and asked him to give it to Sister Anna at the end of the week along with a prepaid card which I had already loaded a good amount of money for baby expenses. I also wrote to Sister Anna not to hesitate to ask for more to take care of the matter. I took one more glance at the direction of Sister Anna’s office and without waiting to hear if my leave had been approved I left hoping no one would ask for me or find out why I left early.
         I locked myself in my house for the entire week. I even considered taking alcohol to ease the pain of my broken heart. The  only thing that kept me from taking any was the fact that I needed to go out and buy some, and the memory of what had happened to my friend before and the pain of withdrawal last time. Only my sister knew where I was. She made a few social calls and when she asked if I had confirmed the pregnancy, I told her the mother of the baby had an accident and lost the pregnancy. I could tell she did not believe me, but she did not dare ask for any more explanations. Every evening I hoped to hear Sharon’s Knock at the door asking that we talk and reconsider. Anytime my phone rang I hoped it was her but no not even a text.
          When I came back, Sharon was on a leave, so I assumed she was out taking care of the abortion. I went to Sister Anna, but she was not there. Sister Anna came back at the end of the week, but I had blocked off the matter and was not willing to talk to anyone. Sharon came back two weeks later. She looked normal except for the death stare she gave me anytime our eyes locked. She spent more time in the field and minimal time at the office and I made sure to avoid her when she was around. At the end of the month, her internship was over, and she left. I heard from a few colleagues that she had turned down her three-year employment contract and requested to be transferred to another ongoing project on a six months internship in Voi. I could not take the stress anymore and I went to see Sister Anna. She was kind to me considering my choice in the matter. I gave her all the baby stuff I bought so she could give them away to needy families. We talked more about how the matter affected me and less about Sharon. I was coping just fine despite my newly found dating phobia. Well  until one year later when your project  begun and, on the staff assigned to handle the project, Sharon’s name as a permanent employee. I felt like an old wound on its way to full recovery was being torn apart like my heart was breaking all over again. I even wrote a resignation letter but Sister Anna talked me into staying and promised to let me go if one year later I felt I could not stay.
         I can still feel the pain and loss whenever I see Sharon and am sorry that I can no longer stay. Anytime I see her whisper at anyone I think of what she might be saying about me and the situation we were in. I cannot bear it anymore especially because I really wanted that baby and I never got the chance to tell her. She left knowing I did not want her or our child, and now I don’t have a Sister Anna to talk to. I used to talk to Mrs. Obachi but not about such a sensitive issue and her and Sharon are very very close.
            So, there it is my side of the story and now, you can judge me as you as you see fit. I would like you to kindly consider letting me coach another community champion to take my place.”
***
          Harry took a deep breath and relaxed laying his head back against the couch and letting himself sink in. He looked relieved and Jenny just sat there staring at him.
“I actually feel relaxed and calm now,” Harry said. He looked like he was deep in thought then he said, “I wish I could tell her how I feel. I wish she could know that I wanted them her and the baby and how sorry I am for letting anger get the best of me and even more sorry for making a snap judgment of her which led to a drastic decision. At times I even wish she did not listen and just had the baby and is hiding him or her or gave it away for adoption.” By this time Harry was already in tears and Jenny took a brand-new handkerchief and handed it to him. She could see how deeply he felt and meant his words and all she could do was to comfort him.

Authors note:
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