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Chapter 8

A/N: There is a sort of a flashback moment, and TW: suicide and gore and similar stuff to that are brought up in this chapter. Also, I tried to keep the angst and depression stuff back but I can't help it.

"I was 3 when Jen took her life, I say I don't remember much, but I remember everything. From the blood-stained on the bathroom floor to Dad crying for weeks on end, to how Jen looked when I found her covered in blood on the bathroom floor.

I've learned to fake a smile, how to hide the endless nights of crying, how to handle the waves of emotions I get. 

You might be thinking 'Why conceal the fact that you remember everything?', and the answer is simple, to protect Dad. After Jen took her life, Dad broke down, and although he won't tell me, I know he still cries about her at night.

There are moments where certain things will make me see what I saw that day, certain songs, certain smells, certain photos.

What happened that day? Well, three-year-old me remembers everything, the day started normal, I woke up, dad fed me breakfast, and I went to preschool. Jen came and picked me up from preschool an hour earlier than normal, I didn't think anything of it at the time. When we got home, Jen told me she was going to the bathroom but she didn't come back. After thirty minutes I got up from my Hello Kitty coloring book and went to the bathroom, only to find my mom with cuts an inch deep from her wrists to her elbows, blood staining the clothes she was wearing, her skin white as a ghost, empty pill bottles surrounding her limp form. I just stood there for 20 minutes before I heard the garage door open, and heard my dad's voice come from the garage. When I didn't respond he came to the bathroom, and saw me standing over Jen's dead body putting bandaids on her wrists, he knew what Jen had done, and picked me up, then called 911. Then it was the same cycle over and over again, Dad would call off work, take me to preschool, pick me up, then he'd spend the nights crying.

Then Dad lost his job, and we almost lost our house, then I ended up meeting Chris at the park, then Will started to get his life together, he got his first acting gig, then I started high school, and the show started, and I thought life was going to get better, then the bullying started, then the rumors, I started leaving school for the show, and now people tell me to just give up as my mom did." I hadn't noticed that Ryan had wrapped his arm around me, or that i was balling my eyes out, or that i was hyperventilating,

"Lex. Why would you keep that to yourself? You know your dad told me everything that happened with your mom, including how your mom struggled with bipolar disorder. I think you gotta tell Will what your going through, so he can make sure you don't have any bipolar disorders." I must have nodded, because the next thing that I know I was sitting on the couch with my dad hugging me tightly as Ryan Murphy told dad everything that happened today.

"Lexie, I get wanting to protect me, but if your struggling you gotta talk to me. It was hard enough to lose your mom, I cant lose you too." I started to cry again, dad kissed the top of my head, "Babydoll, I'm gonna call your moms old therapist and see if she can help, okay?" I nodded and held my dad close,

"I'm sorry daddy." Dad squeased me, as Ryan stood up,

"I'm going to go now," He hugged Dad and me, "If either of you need anything, text me." Dad nodded,

"Course Ryan. And thank you for everything you've done for Lex today." Ryan nodded then left our house, Dad let me out of the hug,

"Okay, so I know the one thing that helped your mom when she had a depresive episode was taking a hot shower. So if you want go take a shower, then go take a nap, you've had a long day." 

I nodded, than went upstairs into my room and turned the shower on, I scrolled through the recommend songs on youtube until I found a taylor swift song that i liked. I let the hot water turn my skin red like a tomato, before turning turning the water to its coldest setting shocking my body. I got out of the shower and put the pajamas that had magicly appeared on the bathroom counter on. I went into my closet, locked the door, and began to cry.