No Turning Back

Chapter Nineteen: Weakness

An hour or so had passed and Primis was now fast asleep. I, however, lay there wide awake as the exhaustion I felt earlier was now replaced by a second wind. But, I knew there was more to it than that...

Part of me felt anxious when it came to falling asleep. Plus, I still had not forgotten about my pact with Dr Maxis and Samantha - and my subsequent reneging. It was worrying how all these weeks could go by without as much as one of those nightmarish visits Samantha was so fond of bestowing upon me. Did they not already know about my intentions yet? I was so sure they would have been present somehow when I told Primis. They liked to give the impression that they had eyes and ears everywhere.

Perhaps neither Samantha nor Dr Maxis were the omnipotent beings they claimed to be. Perhaps it was all a bluff to coax me into holding up my end of the deal. But still, nevertheless, I would rather overestimate my opponent than underestimate them.

The more time that went by; the more confident I became that I was in the clear - for the time being. The longer Richtofen took to get to the cosmodrome the longer it was putting off the inevitable. Whilst he was not around, Samantha and Dr Maxis would simply assume that I was merely waiting for his arrival in order to carry out the plan.

But once Richtofen finally arrived; I knew I would have explaining to do. It was only a matter of time before they would catch on; seeing Richtofen parading around the facility harm-free. How many days could Richtofen and I occupy the same space before Samantha and Dr Maxis realised that I had no intention to kill him?

Of course, I am clearly getting ahead of myself. I'm sure I would receive a visit from Samantha long before Richtofen made it here. And, until then, all I had to do was play along.

But what about their threats? It made my skin crawl at the thought of being mercilessly pursued to the ends of the earth by the undead until my last breath. And, honestly, I hardly warranted the same treatment as Richtofen! I never did anything to Dr Maxis or Samantha!

With all these thoughts constantly racing around in my mind; I absolutely dreaded the call of sleep each and every night. The longer I spent in this universe the more I was becoming a part of it! I no longer felt like the spectator I was before as the story was quickly beginning to engulf me and weave me into its treacherous fabric.

The thought made me feel increasingly helpless; even though I felt safe knowing that Primis and the guys would be there to support me. But, I still worried about the implications of becoming a character in this post-apocalyptic play. The world wars had tempered these men into the soldiers they are today. But me - with my crappy health and lack of killer instinct - it was reasonable to doubt my capabilities of survival.

It was becoming all too real. I quickly began identifying my ever-growing list of shortcomings. When the undead do inevitably return to pursue us; I know already that I do not possess the physical stamina to keep up with everyone. Plus, I still had not even graduated from Richtofen's pistol...

It was finally beginning to sink in that my life was truly at stake. I had plodded along with everyone never really taking this seriously. And now, the sheer weight and urgency of the matter overpowered me like a tsunami - causing my chest to tighten.

But, I tried to steel myself and remain calm. For years, I had been engaged in an on/off battle with anxiety. When you suffer years of cumulative chronic pain it begins to overwhelm the body causing it to manifest through panic attacks - much like its more acute form, i.e torture. You inflict so much pain on someone until their body reaches the threshold where it cannot take any more and the person breaks - both mentally and physically. Mine is like a chronic form of that - wonderfully long and drawn out... I'm sure Richtofen would approve!