Clutching The Darkness

Chapter 21: Empire Of Feelings

I knew I would face her sooner or later. A majority of my body wished to. To fight off and kill her and her memory. And perhaps that's why I was here. Why my body chose to run into the main building rather than the parking lot. And even if my mind was telling me it was to dodge the ambush of the butchers, I had convinced myself that I had to be here. The cosmos of this world had ordained it.

"Why do you look so glum? Hey, how have you been though? Still eating shit in econ?"

"GET AWAY!" I hopped back, my hands scrambling against tiled pillars to upkeep my balance. Her brunette hair hung limply above her shoulders, some of it being put behind the shadows of her ear. Or at least that's what it seemed like, as most of her figure kept emerging in and out of reality.

"Your words always hurt me you know. I just wanted to talk. Is...is that okay?" her face had become stern. Deadly serious. Few times had I ever seen Zay serious. When I did, she usually became upset or extremely saddened after.

Why is it so stuffy in here? Ah, fuck. My eyes spasmodically ravaged the surrounding space, looking for something to use. All I found instead were the familiar desks, bulletin boards, marbled tiled and pillars, polished doors and doorways— all of these things slowly churned into a purple abyss as if it were being transmogrified. Why is there nothing here I can use? Augh, crap this is bad! THIS IS ANNOYINGLY BAD!

She stepped towards me, and I stepped back. Her face kept shifting from a scowl to a frown; too undecided to show a clear emotion. She was always like that. Never could learn to get her own bearings either.

"A part of me always wanted to cling to you, to talk to you. The other part shames me for that though. But Cali, I can see you don't want to talk. You never want to talk. Never wanted to either. You never did allow me."

Twitch. A weapon? I don't need a weapon. I CAN KILL HER MYSELF. My hands gravitated to my pocket knife, flicking open the blade. Her face seemed only more disappointed.

"SHUT UP. JUST SHUT UP AND DIE ALREADY!" I yelled at her.

"I can see that this won't go better than any of the other times I try to bring it up. I'm an idiot, it's that simple. I don't know why I keep trying with you."

"FUCK OFF."

"This isn't even you. You were never this aggressive even when you said those things. You weren't this much of an asshole," She began to nervously twirl a strand of her hair.

What does she know? What COULD she know? She hadn't been with me all of today. She hadn't known of the constant failures I endured over the past few months. Depriving myself of sleep for so many days on end, studying and shoving fistfuls of paper and information down my bloodshot eyes. Nothing. Zilch.

Failure after failure. Enduring the increasing sense of panic that came over me whenever I would cross the street or step outside. Even when we dated, she would know of these things, but still she would continue to annoy me.

She would prod and pinch like a little shit of a bee. Then it became personal. She JUST had to constantly talk about it didn't she? 'You were never there for me', 'You are always acting so indifferent now', 'You are always so preoccupied with yourself and your thoughts'.

The whispers...it's happening again. 'I was depressed', 'I needed you', 'Why did you begin to ignore me?', 'You hurt me all the time', 'I know! I know I am always useless but...', 'Listen to me! Please...', 'Emotional...vampire!?', 'How could you...say that?', 'Please...just listen...please...help me...'

Noises. Bullshit all of it! And she thinks she's so self-righteous. So determined on the fact that she believes herself to be entitled to something. Entitled. enTITLED. ENTITLED. I'll kill her. I'll sodder up that mouth. "A weapon! To your right!" I'LL END HER WITH THIS!