Clutching The Darkness

Chapter 27: I Will Change

It made sense now. The Butchers didn't fit in with my memory of the reality shifts. That's due to the fact that the Butchers are only a distortion created in this reality! After I had killed Nine, I met a Zenaida dove that had spooked me. I had managed to alter my reality by a newfound fear.

Does this mean that my reality can be changed?

I want to die, at least a part of me does. But I accept my mistakes. I accept my failures.

The fog in my head lifted, and out of nowhere a huge downpour began to be casted from the ceiling. The water was fresh, clean even, and it rejuvenated my soul. I could think straight for once without the constraints on my memory and thought processes.

I opened another door, this one shimmering with black spots of a cosmic influence— as if the door was torn between two forces on what color it should be. I stepped into the next corridor and found myself in a spacious hall. It spread out into different hallways, but they seemed to be fading away, as if their existence were being wiped out. Only one hallway remained.

Hopping onto the crumbling floor, the gloomy deep below staring up at me, I warily made my way across the breaking state of the room. Upon entering the corridor, many other doors followed— classes. For a split second, whether it be a failure of Iustitia's sight or perhaps a change in cognition, I saw the halls of Coolidge University. I had somehow found myself in the social science department.

The dorsum of my hand traced the now real walls while I walked into a very familiar room. I took a deep breath. It smelled as stressful and dusty as always. A shallow, almost thin smile spread across my face.

It had been a very long time since I remembered Professor Mills. His endearing kindness. He never gave up on me despite my constant failures. He gave me words of wisdom despite my predisposition against him and his preachiness. Despite all of that: I remember how happy he made me feel.

Instantly, my wounds healed. My body reacted as if it was bathed in Greek ambrosia.

Thoughts riddled my mind. I can change. I can be better. I can prove that I can be something better. I don't have to die to face my punishment. I don't have to hurt myself to admit my wrongs. I don't have to die to face my friends again.

A plan began to be hatched. If I can change my reality, then perhaps I can make a reality shift. If that's what it takes to improve, then so be it. I stood up, and gathered myself. Another thing irked me. In my memories of similar realities, I never saw the two messages.

'A new structure is built by the mind, and when the floor ascends, so does the continuation of our descent. X.'

'He who loses his mind in dust, shall have his torso forever covered in rust. For the insane believe their irrational delusions, while the fool wishes to abandon his own illusions.'

There's been a change in my cognition. For a message to be created by the world, then a change in my psyche had to have occurred. The world wanted me to change. A part of my consciousness was trying to guide me to a different path!

For surely, he who loses his mind will be covered in rust. If I had stuck to my crazy delusions of judgements, then I would have lost myself and died eternally. I'm also the fool who wished to suddenly abandon my illusions just because I recognize them as false. I wanted to kill myself due to this process. Wanted...want. But even if a part of me wants to, I know what I need to do. I know what I truly SHOULD want.

I reached the end of the hall and pushed against the bar of the two glass doors leading to the skyway bridge. As I walked towards the Women's dorms, I thought clearly of what to do next. I will face my fears. I will have the courage to change my reality. And if to do that I had to confront myself, then I'll do that as well. If there's any hope of me living and changing then, it is to confront Synkronus.