Suffocation - Cat Noir

13 - The Cat's Tongue

TW - Discussion about Rape

'What?' Stammered a very confused Adrien. 'But you said...'

'I lied' I blurted out, the quicker I said it, the easier it was for me.

'I don't understand' His furrowed brows creating dark shadows masking his eyes, 'Why would you lie?'

'Why do you think?' I was rapidly growing in frustration, 'Look, think about it, why might my parents disown me?'

'You had sex when you were ten?' He exclaimed with a judgemental undertone. My angered face dropped to nothing.

'I wasn't exactly given a choice' I mumbled. He had now caught my drift. His eyes darted to the ground, I assumed the guilt had finally reached him. I was glad. He seemed to not realise the consequences of his words, if it needed to brutally hit him then so be it. He needed a shock and he needed to understand.

'Jesus, you were only ten?'

'Yeah, I haven't really told anyone about it, like ever' I was amused that of all people, I was having this conversation with Adrien.

'What happened?'

'I don't remember the run up, it just happened to fast. This man just ended up on top of me. He wouldn't stop no matter how hard I tried. I remember the pain, it hurt so bad. The man, he was a... a family friend. It was so hard to just trust people again. When I tried to tell my parent's they wouldn't listen so he just kept doing it, every opportunity he had. It was as if he took my voice. When my parent's did listen, I was the one they were mad at. They sent me to my grandmas without any of my things. I was just glad to be rid of the man but the scars he gave me are stuck, which is a shit reminder. It just makes me feel like he'll never leave me'

'Have you seen your parents since?'

'No, every time I tried finding them it failed. I even travelled to my old home but they had moved. I wanted to search for them, so they could see how far I'd come and maybe..' I became choked up, 'Maybe they would be proud of me and accept me, that's all I ever wanted but I suppose they were so disgusted they made sure they couldn't be found'

'Why did you give up?'

'Because I realised they don't deserve to know me. The older I get, the more mad I am. They don't have the right to be proud of me. I know it's harsh but I would rather them carry the guilt of ruining their child. It would just feel wrong if we met and they suddenly acted like my family again. It's unrealistic and I know they would let me down again. The disappointment isn't worth all the effort'

'Oh' He simply said, not daring to meet my eyes.

'Yeah I know' I agreed, 'But like, that's why all the things you say just wind me up, calling me a slut and everything'

'Shit' He muttered under his breath, 'I didn't-I didn't'

'I know' I smiled consolingly, I didn't want him to be too overwhelmed, 'I guess it doesn't help that I'm just really tense right now, like, easily pushed over the edge'

'How come?'

'It's just... theres this guy who keeps pressuring me for a relationship that I don't think I'm ready for, right? But, he's not taking a no, and he's so forceful and controlling and it just sends me back to that moment. I just feel like he's watching me all the fucking time and I don't want to be in a place where I don't have a choice again. Because that's where everything went wrong, you know?'

I lifted my head to see his face, to try and read how he was handling my words. He looked at me, his eyes overflowing with guilt. This struck me as strange. He had been a dick, but why this guilty? His expression, the deepness of those green eyes were as if he was holding back. As if he had something to say, only lacking the right words. That moment was imbedded into my mind. I had never seen such raw emotion in the eyes without a single movement on the face.