stomachaches ; lashton

eight

ashton's pov

it's been about a week since i "came clean" with the world and posted my story. i kept the post up even though my mind screamed at me to delete it. what's the point in deleting it when practically all of your fans have seen it and probably saved it? it would do absolutely nothing. if i was going to be dealing with this right now the least i can do for myself is completely own up to everything. it strangely made me feel more at ease with it.

luke, on the other hand, has yet to address anything about his situation. i felt a little tempted to make the post for him, like he did for me, but i decided against it because i care about him a lot and i know what that'd do to him. he'd be overwhelmed all over again.

fans weren't easing up on the love or the hate. the hate was mostly just on my post but this time i didn't really care about what they were saying cause it simply wasn't true. 'you're trying to take the focus off of luke's problem' or something along those lines. they called luke's condition way worse than mine and were comparing pictures on tweets or instagram posts which was highly uncalled for but what can you do.

but other than a few dozen backhanded and hateful comments and posts, people were being supportive as hell. reading some of the comments on 'my' post just made me feel so warm and happier about the situation overall. they also kind of helped me forget about the nasty things i read before, the things that made me relapse. i just really hope this feeling stays.

~~~

luke and i were on better terms now, i moved back into our bedroom, i even moved my personal belongings—my notebooks—back into the closet.

luke seemed to be dealing with everything perfectly fine now which comforted me a lot, it made me worry a hell of a lot less.

"luke!"

a tall, slender body stepped into the kitchen, carefully placing his arms around my waist and gently swaying from side to side while i continued to cook.

"yeah?"

"the spaghetti is almost ready," i looked up at him and grinned softly. his beautiful blue eyes stared down into mine as he smiled a radiant smile that gave me butterflies almost instantly.

"looks good, baby," he murmured, leaning down and turning my head more in his direction to kiss my lips lightly. "you're so gorgeous, ash, you're my gorgeous little boyfriend."

i shook my head, giggling a little and turning my head back to the pasta, "just you're gorgeous boyfriend actually."

luke froze before resting his chin on my shoulder, "are you calling yourself fat or tall, because i hate to break it to you but neither are true," he retorted, squeezing my body tightly for a split second.

i found myself giggling again at his remark, i don't understand how i got so lucky, he's perfect.

~~~

we sat at our small dining room table, the dim light above us barely lighting up the room.

luke had already finished his spaghetti long before me, he always eats quickly nowadays which relieved me because he was also mostly keeping it down as well and his old, normal eating habits were starting to make an appearance again. i, on the other hand, was having trouble finishing mine for some reason. i couldn't tell if my stomach was actually full or if it's all just a way of my brain trying to trick me into eating less. probably the latter, unfortunately.

"you alright?" luke looked at me then down at my barely touched plate of food.

"yeah, i'm just feeling a little nauseous," i explained plainly before holding my head in my hands and rubbing my eyes harshly.

"d'you need to lay down?"

i needed to eat, "yeah, i think so."

luke nodded and took my plate from me, throwing away the remaining spaghetti.

as i was about to stand up to walk upstairs, the golden haired boy stopped me, bending down to pick me up. i noticed his small huffs as he struggled to do so for a few long and embarrassing moments. i felt something that i rarely ever felt in luke's company—insecure, though it has been a reoccurring feeling these past few days.

he slowly began to walk me to the stairs at a steady pace as i shook my head reluctantly, not wanting to be held a second longer. "i can walk, i'm fine."

luke just stared into my eyes and sighed, "what are you worried about, ash? i can see it in your eyes that you're scared right now, what's wrong?" by the tone of his voice i could tell he knew what was wrong.

i shook my head, my messy curls falling in front of my face. my boyfriend carefully moved the strands out of my eyes, exposing me to the saddest expression i've seen on him since this is all started. "ashton, you're not too heavy for me to carry."

i bit my tongue, trying to hold back the tears that i already knew were going to be streaming down my face within a few moments. "i weigh a significant amount more than everyone else in the band. i'm even shorter than everyone too. i'm chubby and squishy and everything in between. the fans see me as an easy target because they know i'm just the sensitive, suicidal freak that the three of you met on fucking facebook. i was terrified of looking like this when i was younger—and i still am—but i was completely fine with it until our fans started commenting on it. i can never be happy because no matter what i look like everyone hates it and wants me to change myself. they say i need a thigh gap but when i had one my legs looked 'weird' or i looked 'sick.'  i need a flat stomach but when i had one people laughed at the fact that you could see my ribs when i was shirtless. i can't win." as i suspected, big tears were rolling down my face by the end of my long rant.

the rims of luke's eyes were swollen due to the amount of tears streaming out of them. when he collected himself, he put me down and wrapped his arms around me, squeezing tightly. "you're absolutely perfect, your body is perfect. anyone who has to put others down like that are nasty and insecure. they're acting like being chubby is a bad thing but it's not. you're not even chubby, i don't even understand why they think you are. or why you think you are. i don't want to watch you destroy yourself because of these insecure people on the internet, your body is stunning and perfect and above all of that, it's healthy. that's all that matters. do you understand?" he stood back at the end to look into my eyes. my eyes were blank as i processed everything.

"yeah," my voice was very shaky as i leaned into his chest again and continued to cry.

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