Losing Sawyer

25. Nothing

Sally follows me everywhere as I fuss through James' apartment. There's nothing to do but I'm excited and nervous and I can't sit still. So Sally and I pace, back and forth.

"Sit down, you're making my dog anxious." James muses.

"I'm just excited." I roll my eyes, giving him a little glare and all it does is make him laugh.

"Trust me, so am I. But pacing my place isn't going to make them get here any faster." He waves me to him, where he's spread out on the couch and I give in.

Slumping into his side, I stare absentmindedly at the show he has on as my thoughts wander. First to Ellie and Darren who should literally be here at any moment. To our party and how our entire friend group will be in the same place for the first time in a few years. I think it's been two to three years since everyone was able to be in town for it and even though I'm excited to have all the people that I love in one spot, I'm also worried that things could go wrong.

It's not like we've all stayed best friends without any hiccups over the years.

"So how's things with Brett?" I ask James. "The dinner with his uncle happen yet?"

I feel James' muscle tense beneath me just slightly, a reflex maybe because no matter how much he loves Brett, Brett hurt him too.

"It's this week." He tells me, a hesitancy in his voice that I know well. It's all I've heard since Brett came back.

"Did you decide to go?" I push, mostly I'm curious but also I need to know if I should be on standby.

He takes a deep breath, the exhale that follows heavy. "I mean I have to, right? I spent years asking for this."

His gray eyes meet mine, wounded and vulnerable and I wish I had the answer. The sister in me wants to tell him he doesn't. That he doesn't have to give into Brett just because he came back.  That he doesn't have to give himself again. But I also know, if I were the one in James' situation, I'd give in. And I'd do it without hesitation. I did it countless times with Christopher.

James' voice drops lower, softer, whispering the words to me. "I'm scared to trust him again."

I want to give him wise words or consoling words or anything really but Ellie always had a knack for interrupting moments and now is the same. Knuckles rap against the door, Ellie's voice bouncing through the room a moment later as she shouts from the hallway.

"The fun has arrived! Open the door!"

And in a blink of an eye, all the worry, all the sadness and fear dissipate from James as he bounds for the door. I however don't have that ability to mask my feelings so quickly, staying glued to the couch, my thoughts on Brett. I wish I could knock some sense into him. Make him see things from James perspective. Or anyone's perspectives really, anyone's but his. His perspective is so warped, jaded from his upbringing.

"SAVANNAH!" My name is more of a squeal
than anything else, it's shrill enough to pull me to my feet just time for an infamous Ellie hug.

Her arms squeeze tight around me, wringing any air from my lungs as our bodies sway dramatically side to side. My feet shift and stumble, stepping on myself and her and Sally as the dog dances at our feet from all the excitement.

My heart though is overwhelmed, bursting with happiness at the sight of Ellie. And as I glance over her head, I see James in a similar state of platonic bliss as he hugs Darren.

There's just something about best friends coming home that helps fill all the gaps.

"How was your flight?" I ask as we continue our hug, Darren and James have already parted, James taking bags from Darren as he ushers him farther into the apartment.

"Oh it was fine. Least boring part of my life." She breezes past it, her long blond hair lighter than I remember it being.

I've only seen her through a computer screen the past several months and it hides all the changes that Ellie's made in her appearance. Her lighter, longer hair, her refined makeup, her change in style, until she's almost unrecognizable. Long are the days of her black nail polish and pink tipped hair and torn jeans and flannel shirts.

Ellie waits until Darren and James are in his bedroom before she tugs herself from me and gives me a look. The look that I know will have a slew of questions following.

"What was going on right before we walked in? Something with you or something with him?" She questions.

I roll my eyes, tight laughter falling from me but I tell her. I've finally realized that if I don't, she'll figure it out on her own. But really the most important thing I've learned is that Ellie is a wonderful confidante. Nothing I've ever told her has ever leaked.

"Oh the same. Brett asked James to come to his uncles dinner." I say it under hushed tones. "He still hasn't decided."

Ellie leans closer as we both peer at the open doorway to the bedroom so we don't get caught talking about James.

"Is Brett going to be around this weekend?" I nod my head. "This will be fun."

"Ellie." I say her name urgently, trying to dissipate whatever she thinks she's going to do. "Don't."

Her brown eyes look at me, wide and full of mischief as she feigns disbelief. "What?"

"Just whatever you're thinking, don't." I urge.

She scoffs at me and I know that it probably doesn't matter what I say. Ellie's going to do what she wants.

"Brett just needs a little push." She says. "He always needs a little push. And who better to push him then me."

I laugh, amused because she's probably right.

"What're you girls grinning about?" James ask, as him and Darren re-emerge from the room without bags.

Ellie and I grin at each other, a youthfulness I feel when she's around flooding me and together we say "nothing".

Darren's head shakes and as subtle and subdued as usual he mumbles "it's never nothing."