Losing Sawyer

28. His Own Secrets

Our friend group is dynamic, both James and I have brought more people into the mix. The original group expanding to include friends that are more Sawyer's and mine and friends that are more James' until we have a large group, a rowdy group.

Sawyer's been animated all night, laughing and full of charisma as he bounced around until Jon showed up. Of course Jon looks great, he's probably one of those guys that literally look hot doing anything. I don't even know how that can be a thing but it is. I used to think that Sawyer was one of these people but several drunken nights later I know that at some point Sawyer loses his hold on his emotions and ugly cries, hard.

"Happy half birthday." Cairo says, his words close to my ear as he leans in to be heard over the noise.

I wish more than anything my response was casual but I choke on my spit, sputtering as I say "thanks".

He smiles at me. "Your brother and his boyfriend seem like they're perfect for each other."

My head whips to him, studying his profile as he looks around the bar we're at. Trying to gauge the intent of his statement, it seems genuine. Everyone scattered about, some playing pool, some lingering by a group of people we met, our two separate groups morphing into one.

I almost let out a snarky response because as perfect as Brett and James are together, they also have plenty of issues and I'm still waiting for Brett to run. We are all waiting for him to run.

Instead I breath out a "yeah" because I do hope for James' sake that Brett stays.

Cairo leans closer, his scent making its way into my senses until it seems to warm my body from the inside out leaving goosebumps to erupt along my skin.

"You don't seem like you're enjoying yourself tonight." His voice low, eyebrows knit in concern as he studies my face.

"I am." I say quickly, forcing a big fake smile on my face.

It's not that I'm not having fun. I'm thrilled for Darren and Ellie, I love that all the people I love are here. But I'm worried about Sawyer and those worries won't leave me alone.

I want to talk to Darren. But he's been glued to Ellie's side. And I know that if I were to walk over there and ask to talk to him, Ellie would follow and I just don't want everyone to know that Sawyer isn't...Sawyer.

It doesn't help that Cairo gives me a look that obviously indicates he knows I'm lying.

Blowing out a breath, I give him a small inconspicuous piece of information. What could it possibly hurt?

"I'm just worried about a friend." I say.

"Is this friend your cousin?" He asks, saying the word cousin with such a gentle tone.

But the fact that he so easily called me out has me freeze in my tracks, my mouth opening and closing, gaping like a fish out of water as I stay muddled in my thoughts. How could he have possibly known? How did he know it's Sawyer I'm talking about?

For a second I wonder if he can read minds, as he shrugs his shoulders and gives me an answer to all my silent questions.

"I wasn't sure if it was my place to say but I found a bottle of opioids laying out. Prescribed to Sawyer."

My first instinct is to scoff. The idea completely ridiculous. Not Sawyer. Sawyer wouldn't do something like that. But as quickly as that thought comes into my head, I start to doubt it. I start to justify why Sawyer would have a bottle of opioids with his name on it.

"Maybe it's nothing but my sister is an addict. Pops pills like they're candy, I'm prolly biased." He adds.

"His shoulder flared up recently." I tell Cairo but I can feel the slamming of my heart in my chest. It beats hard and loud screaming at me, yelling all of its doubts. "The team doctor probably prescribed them. I mean, he has to do drug tests and stuff."

Cairo nods, offering me a smile that's more sympathetic than not and I wonder if he knows he's made me question everything now.

What if Wes is wrong, what if it's nothing to do with genetics, that Sawyer doesn't have muscular dystrophy just like Tucker. Maybe he has a drug problem.

"Yeah, right. You're probably right." He says. "You know him better than I do."

But do I? The question rattles around in my head as I seek out Sawyer in our group.

I thought I knew him. I thought I knew his passions and his fears. All his mannerisms and quirks. The way he walks just so, the way he's usually always in a good mood unless something drastic happens. How he poured himself into baseball as a kid, hoping to gain some of his parents attention. How it didn't really work but how he also understood because Tucker needs his parents. Tucker will always need someone. How that desperate need for recognition as a kid overwhelmed him to the point that as he started to get it from coaches, he craved it with such an intense ferocity that he sought it everywhere. That this need at times turned him mean, made him treat people unkindly but only because people laughed, people found him funny, people noticed him.

I thought I understood Sawyer.

But now I'm questioning everything even as his eyes meet mine from cross the room, the dim light making them darker than they really are. His lips turn up showing off his gapped smile, that boyish grin that melts hearts and seemed to tear down any defenses I ever had against him.

There's so much familiarity as I feel myself return his smile, like the two of us have our own language and our own secrets and no one will ever be able to figure them out. But I can't help but wonder if it's just Sawyer with his own secrets and I too, am left on the outside, wondering how to decipher them.

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4 days.