Losing Sawyer

44. Epilogue-Part 3

"Hey." It comes out hoarse and unsure as I look away from Savannah, hoping Brett is a more friendly face.

"Hey." He says, "did you come to see Wes?"

"What?" Confusion clouds my thoughts as I look down at Tucker who only offers a grin and a sly shrug.

"He's playing." Brett informs me. "He's in a band."

"They're really good." James adds.

"Tuck didn't say." A laugh bubbles out of me because I'm now understanding this was a scheme. A perfectly laid out and executed scheme by my little brother.

"Oh look." Tucker interjects, pointing off a short distance as he addresses Brett and James. "There's an open bench, can you guys come sit so Sawyer can have a spot?"

He's a sly dirty little lair and I'm definitely going to get my revenge somehow.

James and Brett agree, James a little more reluctantly than Brett and Savannah and I stand there awkwardly as they we watch them head toward the bench.

My mind races, trying to decide what I should apologize for first. How I should apologize. What will I do if she still wants nothing to do with me. I'm full of a thousand doubts and fears, nearly drowning in them when Savannah lets out a sigh and turns her attention to me.

"You look good." She says.

I don't agree, I've lost tons of muscles, leaving me thin and angular. A weird cadence to my walk that draws attention where ever I go. And even though I'm not mad, I often find myself reminiscing on life before my diagnosis. Granted that had its downs too.

"Thanks." I breathe out. "You too."

She smiles, her lips pressed into a thin line, showing all of the strain that lives between us.

"I've been sober for 117 days." It falls out of me. N/A has me identifying by my number of days sober, it's as easy as telling someone my name when I first meet them now, like "Hi I'm Sawyer Evans, I'm an addict and 117 days sober" is an entirely normal and socially acceptable greeting. I know it's not but I can't help but do it anyway.

"That's good." She says warmly. "That's really great Sawyer."

The sound of my name leaving her lips with no maliciousness attached makes me want to fall apart. It gives me too much hope too, maybe.

"I'm so sorry Sav."

My voice wants to give way, getting hung up on her nickname that I haven't said in years. I know I probably should be more specific, taking credit for the things that I've done, owning up to them but I'm afraid if I keep talking I'm going to lose all my composure right there in the middle of this massive crowd. My heart slams in my chest as I watch Savannah watch me, trying to gauge her reaction, if she'll believe me. If she can trust my apology because god knows I've lied to her countless times.

I need to say something else, anything, just to keep her standing here. I've missed her more than I ever thought possible. She's my best friend and without her there's a hole in my soul.

"I.." I try again but I'm cut short as Savannah folds herself into my chest, her arms wrapping around me, her chin on my shoulder.

She feels just like I remember, slender but strong in my arms and I pull her close. Burying my face in her hair as I let her scent wash over me with its familiarity.

"I'm so sorry." I mumble again, tears escaping my eyes as I stay stuck like a broken track repeating the same thing over and over again to her.

I don't expect this to fix it all. I know I have to gain her trust back, show her that I've changed. That I'm not giving up. That I'll do anything to have her back in my life.

"I've missed you."

"I've missed you too."

I hold her a little closer and as I do I make eye contact with Tucker who has a smug look on his face.  It's annoying but I'm also grateful he forced my hand.

If I've learned anything since my recovery it's that I need help. And it's okay to ask for it. Even if I still struggle with the last bit. But Tucker being Tucker has long since come to terms with needing help and he has this sort of annoying ability to know when I need it but I'm not asking for it.

Now was one of those times.

"Wes is about to go on." A voice breaks Savannah and I apart but as we separate, my arm stays across her shoulder and she leans into my side like old times. "Hi Sawyer."

"Hey Laurel."

There's a look in her eyes as she smiles at me and I feel warmth spread through my body. I know everyday will be struggle, some days worse than others but right now I feel like nothing could possibly go wrong.

"Come on." Laurel says, waving us in the direction of Brett, James and Tucker.

Sav doesn't leave my side as we make our way over and I'm relieved when I reach the bench. Letting myself slump into it. James let's his sister sit bedside me just as the atmosphere changes around us, commotion on the stage in the middle of the park.

The crowd that's gathered starts to clap, our own little group louder than all as everyone yells Wes' name. He's quiet as he walks to his keyboard, looking very much like Wes, I swear the kid hasn't changed. The other members take their places, a frontman greeting us from the microphone.

His words get lost on the way to my ears because I'm too focused on now. My brother beside me, Sav on my other side, with people that have given me countless chances that I know I probably didn't deserve around me too.

And it's then that Wes' words surface from the archives of my mind. My life didn't go exactly as I had thought it would. It's not bad.

It's just different.

And I might finally be at peace with that.

The End
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Maybe stay tuned for an authors not where I don't say anything important.