Losing Sawyer

32. A Three Tiered Cake

James and I got smart about our half birthday party with friends and our half birthday dinner with our parents. Never plan them back to back unless of course the dinner comes first and then the party. On our 21st half birthday we went from day drinking, to night drinking, to the next morning drinking and at the end of the night when we sat down for dinner with our parents we both felt that death was knocking at our doors. So now we spread them out, at least a day of recovery in between.

And we've done just that, recovered from hangovers, able to present ourselves like the well behaved kids our parents always bragged about when we were younger. Our parents aren't naive but out of respect both James and I try not to be walking disasters. James succeeds at it a little better than I do but I always have the whole "I'm an artist" thing to fall back on.

We went to a steakhouse, one of our parents favorites. We've gone countless times over the years, the tradition routine but still heartwarming. Each of us have our go to meals except our dad who loves to order something new every time.

Now though James and I are on the back deck of our childhood home, our stomachs full as we watch the sun sink below the clouds. Our parents in the kitchen, our dad helping our mom with the final touches of some fancy dessert she slaved away over. But this seclusion gives us a moment to talk.

Really talk.

"Can you believe Ellie and Darren are engaged?" James says wistfully, staring out at our small backyard.

"Yeah, crazy." Honestly it makes me feel old. "I'm just glad we got to be there, though a little heads up would have been nice."

James laugh, taking a drink of water from his cup. "And have you act all weird? Ellie would have called it in a heartbeat."

"I wouldn't have been weird!" I defend which only makes James' laughter grow. "You're terrible." I pout, folding my arms across my chest dramatically.

"Love you but you're the worst at playing cool Van." He muses.

I know he's right but my desire to not be that way overrides my ability to just accept that's who I am. Plus it's nice to see my brother so light, so happy, which probably makes me the worst because I decide now is the perfect time to ask him about Brett.

"So are you going to Brett's dinner?" I ask.

James sobers in an instant, the smile slipping from his face as he becomes serious. His eyes meet mine before he clears his throat, a resolve settling in his gray gaze.

"I am."

"Yeah?" I don't mean to sound as shocked as I am but there was a part of me that thought that maybe James was done. That maybe he couldn't move on to a new relationship but he also couldn't go back to an old one.

His head slowly begins to nod becoming more pronounced with each bob like he's slowly gaining confidence to back his answer.

"Being all in scares me with Brett." James says, taking a deep breath before he continues. "But if I'm not sure he definitely won't be."

"Are you sure though?" I feel like it's a necessary question.

All the muscles in his neck contract as he swallows down his fears. "I'm sure I love him. I've always been sure of that."

I give him a soft smile. I hope that James isn't wrong. I hope he gets his happily ever after. I want that for my brother.

He clears his throat, taking a drink before a grin falls back on his face as if we never talked about something heavy moments before.

"How are you surviving being roomies with Cairo?" He teases. "I saw you guys at the bar."

My mind ticks back to our half birthday celebration. My thoughts having been focused on Sawyer rather than the actual night and all my friends. The revelations that had been so casually thrown at me. I'm not sure which one scares me more. The thought that Sawyer might have muscular dystrophy or that he might be misusing drugs. Both are terrifying, for different reasons.

"Uh oh." James mumbles. "What happened?"

"Nothing." I say. "Yet."

"That sounds ominous."

I can't begin to describe it. The dreadful anticipation I have for the doctor appointment I pushed Sawyer to make. What if they find something? What if they find nothing?

"Van." James says my name gently, reaching across the distance that separates us to take my hand. "Talk to me."

I open my mouth, the desire to dump all of these fears and uncertainties on to James overwhelming but nothing comes out. I can't seem to form the words because I'm not exactly sure what I'm scared of. I don't know if anything is actually a real concern. It's all second hand speculation. Maybe nothing is wrong with Sawyer, maybe it's exactly what his team doctor says. Maybe he just needs to work harder, strengthen his shoulder. I mean I would know if he was using drugs or misusing prescription drugs, wouldn't I? I live with him. We share almost everything. And wouldn't his doctor have already checked to see if he has muscular dystrophy knowing he has a brother with the disease? Wouldn't they know?

I go to tell James anyway, just to hear his thoughts and not have to carry all the worries on my own but before I manage to say anything at all the door to the house opens, our parents emerging singing at the top of their lungs "happy half birthday to you!".

James though stays as he is, holding my hand, his gray eyes open and inviting asking me to confide in him. But now is not the time or place, I'm not going to ruin our tradition, not right now.

"I'll tell you later." I whisper to James, turning to watch my mom carefully balancing a three tier cake with a major lean to the left as she sings.

Right now, pretending everything is okay seems a lot easier than acknowledging something could be very not okay.