Study Date | James Potter

Chapter 29 - "Bad News"

Seeing him hurt.

Every time Rose caught a glimpse of James in the corridor, or across the hall during mealtimes, it felt like a blow to the chest. She was glad he was busy with the upcoming dance, since he had used it as an excuse to get out of his patrol duties with her. She was glad that she didn't have to face him.

One night Rose went up to the Astronomy Tower with a pot of ice cream. She sat down, then stood back up and hurled it off the tower. It was too much a reminder of James.

Why did he have to be a Gryffindor? Maybe if she had let the hat put her there too then her life would have been different. She probably wouldn't have stayed friends with Matthew or Tina. She would probably have never met Alicia, but maybe she would have been happier. She might have had her sister instead, and perhaps she and James would have realised their feelings sooner, and wouldn't have had to hide. Maybe she would have been one of them: brave beyond sense, willing to fight no matter the cost.

There was no use in speculating. This was the reality: hard, cold and lonely. Yes, she had her friends, but there was an empty space in her heart that James had used to fill.

Matthew's birthday passed, and that too was a horrible reminder of what had once been. His new friends threw him a big party in the common room - he was turning of age after all - and Rose snuck away a bottle of Firewhisky for her and Tina to share in their room. They didn't drink it in the end, however, because Alicia was there and they didn't want to set a bad example.

A couple of weeks later, Rose and Tina were standing in the Entrance Hall to wish the younger girl farewell as she left for the Christmas holidays. Rose bent down a little and hugged her tightly.

"Have fun! We'll see you soon, and I'll give you your present when you get back," she said, pulling away and smiling at Alicia. She quickly wrapped her in another hug, then stood back to let Tina say goodbye.

Professor Flitwick called for the students who were leaving to line up so they could be escorted to the carriages. With a last wave, Alicia trotted off to join them, and her bright head of hair soon became lost among the taller students.

"It's such a shame she can't stay for the dance. She was so disappointed," Tina said as they walked away.

Rose sighed. "Well there's always next year. Who knows who's going to be the Heads at this point, but if I'm still Prefect I'll put the idea forward to do it again."

As they headed down to the Dungeons, they passed Peeves, who had somehow got hold of a muggle marker pen and was using it to deface the portraits on the walls - the ones in the dungeons always tended to be snoozing and rarely noticed his antics. Holly had been draped over the tops of the frames, and silvery orbs of light made trails down the usually dark corridors. The rest of the castle had been similarly decorated in the past week, and Rose had helped during her Prefect duties, in which she was now partnered with Remus.

He, Sirius and Peter had all tried to talk to her, but the only people Rose would speak to about James were Tina and Alicia. Whenever one of the boys managed to catch her alone, she would simply ignore them as soon as his name came up.

She missed him - of course she missed him - but Rose had done what she had had to do. Her own words constantly replayed in her head: 'At least this way losing you will be a choice.'

James had made his decision, and so Rose had made hers. She knew that if they had stayed together, it would only have been to inevitably fall apart. This way she had control over the situation, even if she hadn't been able to control her tears that night. This way she could distance herself from him, try to move on, even when she had no clue on how to begin.