Dear Z,

Chapter 20

Dear Z,
I cannot save you.
I cannot save myself.
We are waiting to be saved but we can't be.

                                        • • •
                                     Rose

Sunday Evening

I don't look for him right away because I know he standing right there, in the corner watching me. I enter in an evening gown made of heavy color turquoise and beads that glint in the low golden hue of the lights shimmering in the ceiling. My hair waves down, my back bare and I feel the length of my hair fall upon it comfortably.

I am not okay. I might look okay but I am not. Especially not after last night. I fiddle with my fingers, suppressing the stomach ache I feel when I think of the what all has happened last night. Three things occurred in simultaneous fashion. One, Z and I had sex. Two, I told him I love him. Three, Liam asked my hand in marriage. I don't know how much I can take but I know this is a lot for even one person. I waver in my feet.

"Rose, I want to talk to you." I look up and see Hilda holding her hand out for me. I gulp, suddenly nervous. I follow her, very aware of the pair of intense eyes biting into my bare back.

When we reach a clearing with no on standing, I ask her, "What's the matter?"

"I know."

My heart galloped. "Know what?"

"Oh, out with it!" I have no clue what she was talking about but from her face...yeah-I still have no clue. She didn't look upset so I'm guessing she isn't talking what I am thinking.

"Seriously, I have no idea what you are saying." I say patiently. I can't act all fused up in front of her.

"Liam told me. He asked your hand in marriage! This is such news! I mean, are you sure? Do you want to marry him?"
I blink back at her, unable to form words in my mouth. I have no clue how to talk all of a sudden. My mouth is dry and lips parched. It's like I am in a dessert island trapped with my mistakes and there is no one to save me anymore.

"Rose? Are you alright? You look pale!" She reaches the back of her hand and places it in on my forehead. "Gosh! You are burning up! Come on, now let's take you to bed. You are going to lie in bed and don't worry about the ceremony! I can handle everything!" I try to get a word edge wise but she wouldn't have it. She drags me straight back upstairs to my room while I try to stop her and say how unnecessary it is for her to do this. She wouldn't have it.

I find myself in my dress on the bed, comforter rolled up to my chin and a cold water bag on my forehead. When I touch my skin, I realize I'm burning up. Jesus! What's wrong with me?

"Now sleep. I will have someone get you food and water. Rest now. It's been a long week." Hilda kisses my cheeks and her fingers caresses my chin. "I love you, Rose. I hope you know that." I blink back the sudden emotion welling up inside of me. I just nod, biting my lip to control the sob choking in my lungs. When she leaves, I stare up at the ceiling. Completely exhausted. Completely undone by everyone and everything. And I think I'm done with Z. I mean, Zaid. Wow, that's the first time I said his name like that. Zaid. Zaid. Zaid. It's so surreal. How did I convince myself of falling in love with him! He is my cousin for Christ sake! This is blasphemy. It's absolutely wrong! I felt like I was in a haze. A rush of lust that fogged my eyes and my heart. I didn't see who I was loving. Or maybe I didn't know who I was becoming. But I think it's time to end this for once and for all. I can't believe this! I can't seem to understand what I did and why I did it. It was a fantasy that was like a dream. A dream
I have woken up from and now, that I have woken I am regretting everything. Everything I have done with him. With Zaid. Not Z. Zaid. I don't know what I must do next but one thing is clear.