Moonlight Kisses

i love you

jordyn.

I never cared much for Valentine's Day.

My whole life I've sat back and watched the day unfold, magical for some, tragic for others. Couples exchanging boxes of chocolate and teddy bears left and right. Roses for anyone who was so lucky to have not been single that year. Restaurants packed to the brim with couples, young or old, all sharing one thing in common: they were good enough for love. They were lucky to have snatched someone up in time for that special day, the day PDA became a sight you saw everywhere, the day us singles were left to wallow in our self-pity. February 14th was the universal reminder that the world had its favorites. Those who were loved. Those who weren't. And I don't mean the love of your friends and family, the pity gifts you get from your parents after they've come home from a romantic dinner are just the cherry on top of the cake I used to call my shitty Valentine's Day.

Fifteen years was a long time to grow an internal bitterness for Valentine's Day. As the years went on, I only grew to realize how superficial the whole thing was. A designated day for couples to show their affection only to break up a few months later. Gone are the stuffed teddy bears and sweet boxes of chocolate. Withered away are the ruby red rose petals. Call me pessimistic, but I never saw my parents make a big spectacle of Valentine's Day. My dad will probably buy her some flowers and call it a day. They don't need a named day to show they love each other because they do that every day. I can't help but feel like Valentine's Day is just a big old scam, another way for big companies to have some money slid into their registers. No couple, at least not one that I've seen, that truly believed they were going to be together forever made a big deal out of one day of the year. All the affection should be all year round, not just a day of February.

Another reason I couldn't fathom caring about Valentine's Day so much is the fact that I felt I could never be loved. I assumed whoever ended up with me would only come to know the things I allowed them to know. They'd never understand my thoughts and emotions. Why I could be so happy for everyone but not for myself. I thought they'd only love those parts of me. Never me as a whole. If I would've told myself a year ago that I was wrong, I wouldn't be able to comprehend it. Much like I can't comprehend it now. My mind still has yet to catch up with my heart, taking its time in processing how someone managed to fall for me while knowing the struggles I've repressed for my whole life. He knows as much as I know, which leaves out a lot considering the years of my life I can't recall, but that doesn't shy away from the fact that I love how he understands me. I love how he makes me feel loved even if he has yet to say the words.

Celebrating Valentine's Day, to me, was an eternal damnation to the rest of our relationship. Like something so much as a rose given to me would be jinxing the whole damn thing. He shows me his affection every day, I didn't want to go over the top just because of the date on the calendar. I refused to celebrate Valentine's Day. My superstition got the best of me. We'd already been through so much as it is, I don't want to give the universe something else to hold over our heads. For the last few years, I've gotten through Valentine's Day with the only tragedy being the sheer fact that I spent my nights eating bags of discount candy and binge watching whatever shitty reality TV show was on Netflix and now the thought doesn't seem half as bad considering everything that's happened to me in the last two months. I'd choose wanting to bang my head into a wall over shallow TV personas over worrying what bad thing I triggered by receiving a goddamn teddy bear from Beau any day.

I made him swear he wouldn't get me anything. I'm able to be swayed on most things, this bracelet on my wrist for one, but as for my negative outlook on a certain day of February, I was stubborn. He insisted profusely on taking me to dinner, that in his eyes was the least he could do, but I was unwavering on my stance. I feel he's already given me too much, and he knows that, so even gifts were out of the question. I'm not with him for his money and his lavish world; I'm with him because he makes me stronger and even that's quite the understatement.