Moonlight Kisses

tide rises

jordyn.

You aren't supposed to hurt the ones you love. I was taught that from a young age.

Mistakes were okay, but they were never applauded. When I failed my first subject in grade school, my parents were let down but they knew I could raise up that mark because I was known for being a good kid. It became two times the weight I began to carry around with me. On one end, I was hurt from not receiving the praise I was so used to getting. On the opposing side, I had to work a little harder to take back that reputation I had for always doing good in school. There was no room for mistakes in my life. I either did it right the first time around or I hurt someone I cared about.

If you truly love someone, you don't hurt them. Sensibly, you'd want them to be happy, shine as bright as possible whenever they're around. You want to be the reason for their laughs and their smiles. Not their tears and their pain. Protecting them from harm's way is what someone naturally wants to do when you love somebody so dearly. In more extreme cases, you're willing to sacrifice yourself to make sure they're okay. There's no good or bad thing about that; it's just how I've been hardwired to be. With everyone in my life, I could not name one person I wouldn't go to hell and back to be able to give them what they need in order to be happy.

When I make even the slightest mistake in doing that, the other person suffers with me. Call it obsessive, call it self-destructive, call it whatever negative connotation to describe what I'm feeling because I certainly couldn't put a name to it. How could someone else know my thoughts better than I do? If I can't name it, how could they? I hate making mistakes that put other people's happiness at risk. I hate not being completely and totally happy around someone and burdening them with my pain. I hate disappointing others, especially the ones I care about.

I don't deserve to be someone else's worry. The thought of me sure as hell doesn't warrant a mere pained thought in somebody else. I don't get to be a burden, I shouldn't matter that much.

I couldn't believe I let myself make such a grave mistake with Beau. My mind sunk down so far that I forgot what I'd already known. You aren't supposed to hurt the ones you love. There isn't any room for making mistakes. In hurting him, I made that greatest mistake I ever could have made. I forced him to shut out his emotions. I made him feel like he couldn't talk to me. I hurt him worse than the realization had crumbled him. The thing I was trying to forget hadn't left his mind and I neglected that.

His wellbeing matters more to me than my own. I could put myself aside and help him at any given moment. In trying to do just that, it resulted in hurting him. He burdened himself with me instead.

The person I love the most shouldn't have to feel like that.

We cried together for hours on end. There's no telling how long we sat there in each other's embrace, spending those precious hours of our spring break bawling next to each other. Holding one another as if it were the last time we'd be able to do so. We talked about what happened that day for the very first time since it happened. I poured my heart out to him and that made him proud of me.

~

"I'm sorry," I cry into my two fistfuls of his shirt. Having repeated those words so many times, I'm hoping he realizes their raw honesty. Or at least I hope I can really believe that he can. At the moment, I have this pesky little voice in my head reminding me of how he's felt all this time and how I blatantly disregarded that.

"I told you I forgive you," he mutters, not saying it as softly as he once did. Am I getting annoying? Is there a limited amount of times one can say they're sorry?