drowning

xix

" i'm lost inside myself ,

and i can't find the way out "

-

JUNE

*trigger warning*

Waking up Saturday felt like hell. After a long night in the bathtub the night before, I was sore, aching, and tender. My thighs were the bane of my emotions more so than they'd been in awhile, and the aftercare of the fresh wounds was becoming more and more of a burden, meaning I was often left with dried, flaky patches of blood covering my inner thighs the next morning.

I rolled out of bed, trying to push the fact that I knew what tonight was. Hell, the whole school did. Nearly the whole town. It was homecoming night, and that came with lots of limos, dresses, and horny teenagers. My stomach was flipping at the memory of the last conversation I'd had with him, and what that meant for me tonight. All I could try my best to avoid the dance, the school, and him, and hope that tonight doesn't become a repeat of the worst night of my life.

Another part of my heart ached at what homecoming season brought along. The anniversary of my parents. The anniversary of him. The anniversary of the last day I actually felt alive. The day I'd begun to walk among the living, as just a shell of the girl I used to be. Nothing was the same after that night, and nothing ever would be again.

After cleaning myself up in a hot shower, I made my way downstairs, to where the smell of breakfast was wafting through the house. Sure enough, there was Kodi, pancakes in front of him, with a paper in his hand. I paused at the sight, unable to picture anything but dad in the same position, just two years ago.

"You look like dad," I said softly, with some shock behind my voice.

Kodi paused mid-bite to look up at me, and swallowed long and hard before responding. "Uh, thanks, I think."

We continued the next few minutes in silence, as I made myself a coffee, skipping the pancakes altogether. I sat down across from Kodi, still unsure how to approach my brother's newfound sobriety. As I sipped on my drink, I couldn't help but feel more awkward. There was one point in time where Kodi and I had never been closer. Now, we're both just the remnants of the family that once lived here.

"No breakfast?" Kodi asked.

"Uh, no I'm alright," I responded. His eyes narrowed at me, not in anger, but more so like he was thinking if my answer was good enough for him. As if I really cared. "I have to go."

Before he could get another word out, specifically about needing the car, I grabbed the keys and headed out the front door. I truly had no idea where I was going, I just knew I had no desire to be stuck in the house with my brother all day, waiting until one of us says something that the other doesn't like.

As if my mind was being read, just as I started up the car, my phone vibrated in my back pocket. Two text messages stared back at me.

[10:03am] Brian: hey u busy?

[10:12am] Unknown: ready for tonight?

My stomach curled inside itself, and I couldn't help but swallow back a bit of bile that snuck it's way up my throat at the sight of the second message. There was no guessing who texted me that. There was no where I could ever be safe from him.

With shaky hands, I deleted the ominous text, and then responded to Brian.

[10:16am] June: not particularly