drowning

xvi

" how does it feel like I lost you

when you weren't even mine to begin with? "

-

SAM

I need you to stay away from me.

I need you to stay away from me.

I need you to stay away from me.

The words ran through my head, over and over, making even less sense than they did when June first said them. I couldn't understand why she came to my house, came to me, the way she did, just to end the moment with that sentence. I wasn't even able to convince her to stay to explain what had happened or what she was talking about before she left without another word.

Her voice was haunting me, reminding me that I should've seen this coming. The night at her house, the breakfast, the car ride, all the lunches spent together- they meant nothing to June. She warned me- telling me time and time again that she doesn't do friends- but I couldn't take 'no' for an answer. Now, here I am, a fool for trying to break down the walls of infamous Juniper Harvey. I should've known there was no winning when it came to her.

The desperate part of me texted her that night, repeatedly, asking what happened, for explaining, for answers. I was acting pathetic- it's not like we weren't dating, so I had no real reason to obsess over her. Nonetheless, I still felt the ache of losing someone I didn't realize I needed. The following week at school, I couldn't help but keep an extra eye out for her. Her car was nowhere to be seen at lunch, and Carly told me she hadn't been in their psych class all week, not to mention her absence from the Gardens. If it weren't for the few times I saw her pacing around near her bedroom window from across the street at Hal's, I'd be worried she disappeared form the face of the planet.

After my texts stopped going through, I realized just how much of a loser I'd become since hanging out with June. She was softening me up, and I couldn't give anyone the impression that I could be messed with so easily. The following week, when June finally returned to school, I made some sexual promises to a few cheerleaders in exchange for a favor. The favor being their taunting June at her usual lunch spot, so I could regain some of the power I had over the school. Seeing her nearly break out in a hair-pulling fight with one of the girls made me laugh- this was exactly what I needed to do in order for people to stop talking about me and June being friends.

At first, seeing June's spot being overrun with people that didn't understand June's love for solitude and a book made my stomach churn. I had put these girls up to torturing her, but I couldn't deny that invading her space and seeing her overwhelmed without me there to comfort her made my heart ache. Nonetheless, me and June, whatever it was we had between us, it was over, for good, and there wasn't any going back. She wanted me to stay away? Gladly.

-

With another Friday night came another party, and this time, half the school was once again raiding Brian Castillo's house for a night of drinking, sex, and skinny dipping. The guy knew how to threw a party, but I couldn't help but be reminded of what happened last time I attended a party at this particular house. It was the first time I watched June have a breakdown, the first time I really helped her.

I grabbed another shot from the nearby bar that was situated near the pool in order to drown out my thoughts of June. She wasn't going to ruin my night by invading my mind with her reckless life that I didn't want to be apart of anymore. With nearly a bottle's worth of tequila already coursing through my system, it was safe to say I was drunk, and enjoying it. The girl who decided to attach herself to me tonight, Destiny, or maybe it was Harmony, was clearly wanting to get some of me, and I had every intention of giving it to her. However, not without a some more alcohol in my system to really fuel my system. The alcohol induced emptiness that was creeping over my mind was exactly what I needed after the last few weeks.