drowning

preface - june

" you don't need water to feel like you're drowning "

-

JUNE

Familiar scent, familiar feelings, familiar tears. How many times was this mundane cycle going to happen before I finally stopped feeling it? A hundred? A thousand? I thought of all the men I've let pack themselves into me; I was trying to fill the void that consumed my heart and mind just a few years ago. It felt as though three lifetimes had passed since the last time I felt whole. Self doubt often clouded my mind, and I wondered if all this was for nothing. If all this recurring pain was worth going through, considering my hope to ever feel okay again had been lost long ago.

"Hey, June, I'm done," the guy, whose name I didn't really care to remember, stated. It snapped me out of the glazed over, trance-like state I was in, and suddenly I was brought back the the reality of where I was, and what I was doing. Standing up from the heavily padded mattress I had been throw around on for the last few hours, I stretched, and ran my fingers through my semi-matted blonde hair. Slipping back into my active shorts and sports bra, I scanned the room for my shirt, hooking it over my shoulder once I scooped it up from the carpet. "Uh, thanks, I guess."

"It's whatever," I mumbled, while throwing one leg out of the first floor window of this practical stranger's house. Quickly glancing at my phone, I realized it was well past when I was 'supposed' to be home. Breaking curfew was a regular occurrence for me, so I wasn't phased when the screen read three-thirty back at me. It suddenly set in what I had heard, and I looked back up at the boy who stood just feet away from, silently wondering why he'd thanked me. Receiving a 'thanks' for my kind of work was weird, and not something I often got.

"Are you all good?" he questioned, as I hopped out into his front lawn, dusting off the dirt from my butt. I grew a bit annoyed by this question, as again it wasn't something I heard often. Why now? I had become an expert at hiding my emotions in these situations, but I guess I must've been off my game tonight.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I said shortly, not wanting any of this guy's empty sympathy. I wasn't looking for a friend, or a cry session. Normally, I thought I made that pretty clear, but for some reason this guy just wasn't getting the message.

"No one understands you, June," the blunt, cut throat statement came blurting out of his mouth. It made me stop in my tracks in his front lawn. I knew this, I've always known this. No one understands anymore than I do, and not even I understand. It wasn't something ever actually discussed with me though, instead it was a side conversation I heard whispered around the halls at school from time to time. "You... sleep around with all these people, and then leave practically in tears every time, as far as I've heard at least. Why?"

"Let me tell you something, uh... Bryce?" I tried my hardest to recall the name of the guy that was blatantly holding me from retreating home. He corrected me with an awkward laugh- it's Brian. "Brian, okay. Well, how about I let you and everyone else know, when I figure it out myself."

"Uhm, alright... be safe driving, I guess." 

I hummed a positive response before I turned and walked towards the curb where my older brother's car was parked. Getting in, I promptly threw my shoes and shirt in the passenger seat, and started up the engine. It would be a short fifteen minute drive home, and I only hoped my brother had drank himself to sleep before I could get there.

"Well, well, well, look who's back!" I sighed as I locked the front door behind me, and hooked the keys onto the wall beside me. Of course, my drunken brother, Kodiak, stumbled over, and embraced me in a loosely aggressive hug. I slipped underneath his arms, and started for the stairs. This was what I normally returned to, after a night like this. I wondered if he kept himself up like this night after night to actually make sure I got home, or if his own inner demons prevented a peaceful sleep. I never bothered to ask him, and he was never sober enough to answer. "Juniper Marie it's... four in the morning. Where were you this time?"

"Go to sleep, Kodi," I called, while climbing the rest of the stairs and slamming my bedroom behind me, flipping the lock at the same time. I didn't need him sneaking in to ask more questions, or to pass out on my bedroom floor, again.

As I washed my face, I looked up at the mirror to get a glance at my reflection. Four scars, two on each cheek, adorned my pale complected face. They were passable as hidden, unless you were actually trying to look, which, thankfully, most people didn't. My green eyes were bloodshot from the hot tears I couldn't control, and my anger grew more the longer I examined the reflected image of someone I didn't even know. I hurriedly turned off the running sink and slammed the ensuite bathroom lights off, before stalking over to my bed, feeling both anxious and exhausted at the same time. The thick comforter I slept under ironically brought no comfort at all, as I slipped in my headphones, and let the white noise calm me into a more comfortable state, and I felt myself beginning to drift off.

However, in between consciousness, I found my mind retreating back to what Brian had commented earlier. No one understands you, June. I was well aware that this had been the case for years now, but what I hadn't known was that someone was brave enough to actually say it to my face. Telling him I didn't understand either wasn't a complete lie. Sometimes, I really wasn't sure what exactly I was doing with all these people, night after night, person after person. I hoped that one day it would all just click, and my days of 'sleeping around,' as he titled it, could be over. But deep down, I knew why I was here. And I was at Matthew Thompson's house last week, and why it was Grey Olsen's house the week before that. But my mind liked to play tricks on me, and denial of the real answer played a heavy factor as to why I kept coming back, why I kept searching for something that I wasn't sure was even out there. 

-

this is a short preface, just to fully introduce the main character of drowning, june harvey, and what exactly she spends some of her 'free time' doing. i started this book over two years ago, only ever completing a rough first chapter, in my senior year of high school. at the time, i really resonated with her, and put a lot of my own feelings into the book. and although i've grown and changed since then, i still feel as though she can be someone to relate to with a lot of people. she's lost and too afraid to fully admit it, and is even more afraid of being found. 

i'd like to once again point out that i am in no way a professional writer, simply a twenty year old college student who has an overactive imagination and loves to tell stories. with that being said, i'm not a perfect author, and i'm still trying to figure out my own writing style, and learn all the ins and outs on how to 'properly' write a book. bear with me, as i'm hoping the more i continue to write, the more i continue to improve.

i hope you all enjoy, and continue to read more about june, and my other characters, who you can read about in the 'cast' section of this book. this is going to be a story about love, loss, and what happens when you face your inner demons, both alone and with someone else. sounds very cheesy teen romance, i know. but can anyone resist those? i know i can't.

i hope you're having an amazing morning, day, or night, wherever you are in the world, and remember to stay safe. 

xx - jess