It's not your fault

Thoughts

-Gon POV-

I thought about it more and more. I thought about people's reactions. No I can't do it. Or maybe I should. I tore at my hair as the  decision riddled my mind.

They'd be better without you
They like you out of pity
How could someone love a disappointment

My brain tore itself with its own thoughts. I dropped my blade and stared at myself. Hideous. Disgusting. I was a monster.I collapsed and fell next to my scarlet splattered blade. I broke down, wetting my sleeves with tears.

'YOURE FUCKING DISGUSTING, THEY WOULDN'T CARE IF YOU DIED ONE BIT'

My mind screamed at me. I gripped tightly at my hair. I knew what was happening around me pleased my dad. I thought I wanted it like this, truth be told I wanted something different in the back of my mind. But I don't deserve that. Trash gets no choices. It just sits there until disposed of. That's just how it works. More stuff is thrown at it until it's gotten rid of. I pushes the blade deep into my skin. I wanted to end it. All of it.

To be honest, I thought I was ok. I thought I was good enough. But I'm just a naive child. I'm far from good.  I sobbed on my floor disgusted with my revolting body. There was a soft knocking on my front door.I walked there as each footstep heavy and heavier. My tired eyes wanted to shut themselves and never open. I arrived at my door after what felt like a mile. I shakily opened it , doing my best not to burst my cuts. As I pulled back the door it revealed kurapika.

He took a look at my body. The self inflicted wounds. The correction marks. His eyes burned hot scarlet. He was seething anger. Stared me down with piercing glowing red eyes. He composed himself and called someone. As he spoke to the other line his voice was crackly and sorrowful. "H-he's pretty much my family, I can't lose anymore family." He whispered on the verge of tears. Suddenly I was snapped from my Trance by my dad slamming the door in kurapikas face.