Figuring Myself Out

Chapter 3

Aspen POV.
December 24 Tuesday 6:38 pm

It has been a couple months since school started and I will say that I am stressing because of all this homework and tests.

But anyway I've been having thoughts that keep running through my mind and I can't get them out of my head no matter how hard I try.

I don't feel like a girl anymore.

I have been thinking about what if I was born a boy.

I have been wondering what is my gender.

I have been wondering if something is wrong with me.

*actual thoughts I had at 16*

Right now I was too busy thinking about my gender identity that I almost forgot that I was doing homework.

"Pay attention we have more important things to do." I muttered.

I get back to doing my homework and when I was done I started back at my search on google.

I have found gender fluid and transgender but neither one of them seemed to fit and I left I was at a lost. *something I actually did*

Until I saw Non-Binary and after reading about it I felt like this was how I am feeling about my gender.

"I am non binary." I said to myself.

I was giddy the rest of the day and wanted to tell my friends but I wasn't sure how they would react so for now I don't think I tell them.

~ January 2nd Friday 10: 44 am

I don't think that I will be changing my birth name because I like it I decided to change my pronouns.

From this moment I am Aspen a non binary person with the pronouns he/they who is in the closet.

But anyway I am in my second period class which happens to be P.E. and I already want to leave. Mr. Travis is making us run fucking laps.

Like sir does it look like I want to be sweaty for the rest of the ducking day like no.

"This fucker." I mumbled.

I slowly jog for about 15 minutes until I stop and walk the rest of the time until a trip which makes me fall flat on my face.

"Fuck my life." I said.

I hear someone ask me something but I didn't catch it but once I got up and turned around it was Tanner.

"I didn't know you were in my class." I said.

"Yeah well I mostly sit on the bleaches on my phone." He replied before laughing.

"Oh that's valid." I commented.

He nodded and we just continued walking until Mr. Travis told us to partner up because it was time for exercises.

I groaned.

"I'm guessing someone is not in shape." Tanner said.

He laughed loudly when he saw my face and playfully pushed me which I pushed him back before doing the exercises.

I started with push ups because honestly they are my favorite. 26 push ups later I can't fill my arms.

"Tanner aren't you going to do the exercises instead of sitting on the floor watching me suffer?" I asked.

He just shook his head.

"Okay sit on the bleaches I have an announcement." Mr. Travis said.

I was mentally thanking god that he said that because I didn't think that I would be able to do anymore exercises my arms felt like they were going to fall off.

"Okay so I had a great time teaching you all but I have to leave this week will be my last day with you all I am leaving to back to Albert Holmes Elementary and I know that all of you will be sad but I will be there for your graduations and Tanner I would like to see you graduate so you have to participate and get dressed please it's all I ask from you. But anyway this is Mr. Jalen he will be my replacement treat him how you would treat me." Mr. Travis said.

When he was talking about Tanner I chuckled and he playfully pushed me telling me to shut up.

He motioned for him to come and when he came he was a average height light skinned man with muscles that could scare Steve Rogers.

Some of the kids looked sad some didn't care and the others were looking happy. Me I was one of them who didn't care.

"Hey guys as you know my name is Mr. Jalen nice to meet you all I hope that we have a great rest of the school you and I can't wait to get to know all of you." He said.

Once he was done the bell rung thank god I went to change out of my gym clothes and back to my uniform before headed to my next class.

~ End of school day 3:15 pm

I close my locker quickly trying to avoid my friends and I am almost out the door until I felt someone grab my wrist.

I slowly turned around and I saw Markayla and Victory both looking at me suspiciously and I wanted to run away from the situation.

"I didn't see you at lunch." Victory said.

"Or at the assembly before 7th period." Markayla said after.

I nervously laughed.

"Y-you see I-I had detention got to go." I said quickly before running out the exit.

Once I know that I am in the clear I stop running to catch my breath. I put my headphones on listening to music while walking home.

It look less than 10 minutes and as I get close to my apartment building I see someone standing there eyes went wide when I realized that it was Kades.

When we made eye contact I contemplated whether I should run or act like I don't see or hear her.

"You have been missing all day." she said.

I shook my head quickly trying to push passed her but it was no use. I tried again ready but nothing.

"I can't tell you." I said.

She looked at me with seriousness in her eyes and I simply looked down almost ashamed like a child that was about to get punished.

"What are you hiding we tell each other everything there isn't anything that I don't know about you." she said.

"No leave me the fuck alone." I said.

She was caught off guard and I took that as an opportunity to get passed her and open the door to my apartment building.

I turned around and to see her looking at me looking upset and I went to apologize but she walked away.

"Why am I a fucking bitch!?" I said to myself.

I ran upstairs opening the door and continued running to my room and plopped down on my bed to cry forgetting about all the things I had to do.