The Figure Skater & The Hockey Player

Chapter 20

Do you ever feel like you are in a fish tank? You just keep swimming and swimming but go nowhere. And even though you wake up every day in a fish tank, was born in this fish tank, you know you're not supposed to be there. That the plexiglass that keeps you contained isn't supposed to exist, it mimics a habit, but not a home, salted water, plastic coral reef, and synthetic sunlight beams against the clear water.

A fish tank.

An aquarium that doesn't equate to an ocean even though you don't even know home a day, you know you were meant for greater waters. Lately, I hadn't done much swimming, seeing that I only meet my reflection each time I traveled, it feels like all I do is float now of days.

My body is a fish tank.

" Where'd you go Yeti?" My eyes fluttered as I realized where I was as if I suddenly remembered my own body, could hear again, could taste honey of my lip gloss, could feel the thin pages of the book between my fingers tip. Sawyer sat in front of me, an ocean of books laid out in front of him as if it was a parting sea between us on one side of the table, and I was on the other. I was supposed to be helping scan for damaged books, but eventually got lost in the pages.

" If only I could remember," I replied before refocusing and scanning through the books again.

" If only." He chuckled lightly. " Maybe next time you could take me with you."

I felt something in the pit of my stomach, butterflies, or blizzard, maybe even an avalanche seemed as though it progressed by second around Sawyer. Moments like this I have to remind myself that Sawyer isn't a flirt, he's a wordsmith, he's good with words, makes everything sound all analytical and poetic at the same time.

I scoffed " You don't like my world, Sawyer."

" Wouldn't." He replied.

" What?"

" Why didn't you say wouldn't?" He asked, his expression showing true curiosity the books no longer being a focus as he looked at me. I laugh thinking it was a joke, but not. He seriously wanted to know.

     "Not everyone is made for the ice," I said casually and counted scanning the pages.

    He leaned back in his chair, posture sunken and relaxed and he dived into his brain. I wished I could go there with him, see what else he is seeing in me with that observant eyes. " Yet, here I am with the Ice queen."

"And bound to get burned." I casually teased.

    He raised an eyebrow in amusement, he leaned closer his forehead nearly an inch away his minty breath feeling in the empty spaces and those eyes challenging mine.

   " And who exactly do you scare Yeti? "

It seemed as those the world had run out of air, my lung forgetting how to function under his gaze. My throat was dry and my lips stammering but my voice failed to work. It was only a few seconds yet, it felt as if time kept still and an Ice Queen I felt the rush of blood to my face and my own body heating up.

It wasn't until I was saved by the bell... Or in my case, cursed.

I jump startled my body tensed as the alarm blared heavily, and the lights over the existing aggressively flashed. Correction, it wasn't a bell but instead the fire alarms. Moments like this mental alarms also went off, could practically hear the panic of the central nervous system.

" Fire and Ice don't mix Yeti, let's get you out of here." He joked, but the words that left his mouth after seemed to fade. Muffled noise, but still the blurring repetition of the alarm overpowered everything. Even though I knew exactly what was going on and I still felt confused as my vision was staggered and delayed, felt like I had forgotten to move my feet. I could see Sawyer's cool expression and that white smile not aware of my distress as he grabbed his backpack, his lip moving but still voiceless.

It was just a drill to him. It was just a drill to everyone.

But for me.

       I was floating again, Sawyer's smile still flooded my vision as his warm hand grabbed mine and I stood up. He looked into my eyes again finally noticing my quiet panic.

     I could see his lips say " Emerson." " Emerson are you okay?" His fingers widens my eyelids checking my pupils to make sure I was responsive. He was doing everything right, but everything was wrong all at the same time, he asked if I needed water, or to have a sit. All proper responses for everyone who wasn't me. This light little annoying siren was nothing to him, in his mind me sitting down, resting, waiting on the nurse, and chugging water was responsible compared to getting up and standing outside for the next 30 minutes.

But those light little flashes and that siren were utter hell.

     I blinked, snapping back into reality. The alarm felt as if it was placed in my eardrums.
" URGHH." A frustrated yell escaped my lips as I pushed Sawyer away from me, my hands buffing my eyes as I sprinted out of the library. His heavy steps chased and called after as I entered the hall. People calmly left their classrooms and headed towards the exit, there was order and I was the chaos that raced through the hall as if I was on fire. Pushing past people who didn't feel the panic that I did.  Their cursed words and angry expressions were muted as my only focus was the exist.

    Finally, the cold breeze from the Minnesota air hit my face as I busted out of the exit door beating the crowd.

    And despite my freedom. I still felt like I was choking, I was having a panic attack. My heart pounded in my chest, my breaths short as I whizzed and my body trembled.

   Terror is what I felt.

Even though the noises had faded along with the flickering lights, the alarm in my mind was still going off.

And I understood why.

  " Em-" I wheeze " Emm."

" Emmet." His name came out as light as air as I struggled to breathe. My eyes scanned the crowd as students the building in search of my brother. " Emmet!" And even though I tried to scream it was a muted plea. I could the warmth of my tears sliding down my face.
I was like a child getting lost in the mall, desperately searching for her parents.

   " Em-"  

     A pair of arms wrapped around me and like instinct, I collapsed not from a seizure but relief.  " Get." I wheezed  "me out  of here." 

      Like it was nothing I was picked up and my head fell into his chest. I thought I was the only one that felt this way, the only one whose heart was racing an utter juxtaposition of the quiet white noise around us, and the bored teenagers who stood outside all calm and at peace with the situation.

    But chest, was loud and pounding despite me being safe and in his arms. Parker's heart seems to still not be at peace, to still panic and worry. His heart had been under just as much stress as mine, if not more.

        I was still gasping for air, choking on my damn tears. " It's okay Grace."

  And it was.

    I felt like a snow globe, felt like I had been shaken and rattled, clear imagines distorted by specs of snow, chaotic for a moment, but as it slowed down and all the pieces you finally see the picture.

      I didn't say anything as Parker gently placed me in his truck. I was embarrassed, not just out of the way I had reacted. I was embarrassed because they were right. My greatest fear wasn't just having a seizure, it was dying without seeing my brother. It was the fear of falling without him or Parker there to catch me. 

     No one loved me as much as them. No one would care enough to save me.

But they always did.

  
      Parker didn't say anything as he reached over me, his vanilla scent and body heat covering mine as he buckled me in without even uttering a word.

     I don't think the snow had fallen in his snow globe. It was still frantic and shook with worry, even though his face was calm, his body was rigid.

    Do you ever feel like you are in a fish tank, but drowning in your own body?