I've read through most of this journal/diary, i find it eliminating to read about past experiences. It shows how you've grown and it shows what mistakes you may have made.
It has been a while, again. I can't really help it, my life isn't at all that interesting. Not have i had very thrilling experiences. That's not really a surprise, i am a seventeen-year-old, what interesting could there be about my life? To you strangers, it might just seem silly.
But, maybe this should be taken serious, all because i am very young. The experiences i have now (although they are not extremely horrible), they will teach me lessons, and they will shape the person that i will grow up to be.
A few weeks ago I had my exams for high school, tomorrow the results will be known. I feel curious but also a bit frightened. Knowing in the back of my head that i had very good grades before the exams and that I rarely get low grades, is quite comforting. But i keep in mind that there is always a chance that i may not pass my exams... I'd feel like a loser, even though I shouldn't have to.
They guy I spoke about last time, he's turned out to be a little different. Who am i kidding, describing the perfect boyfriend, being smart; funny; sweet; understanding and loyal. I wrote it with my pink glasses on, in other words: I was in love.
I am still in love. Even though he is so different now from when we met. The last few weeks were hell, literally. First he broke up with me, to what i left him to stay with my sister, then the next morning he called me to say he had been stupid, not long after showed up at my doorstep. Then i found out he had been talking to another girl, even planning to meet her while he told me he would go out with friends. I asked him: "you're not really going out with friends are you?".
He tried to lie, but failed. I forgave him, though i also warned him never to do it again. He had told me that the girl was crazy and that she kept on seeking for contact, him being the kind gentleman he was, not ignoring her and even agreeing to see her in private.
Ha. Ha. Ha.
Love that story, don't you?
After that he kept on telling me whenever she messaged him, one time even saying that she wanted to have sex with him. So, he's telling me when she's texting and saying that he thinks it's annoying... he must really be honest now?
No.
Just a week ago, maybe a bot longer, I discovered a message from him, to her:
Hi, i'm sorry that things have ended the way they have. The thing is that I'm not sure what is going to happen with my relationship, thus I can't be with you. I still love D***, she just didn't give me the feeling of being in love at the time, you did. Actually I'm just sorry about what has happened and I hope I can make it up to you and can get to know you like a friend, if you would like that too?
In other words: i'm fucked. And i am most definitely ashamed that i did not part from him... I don't believe he has told me everything. And I don't feel as if I can trust him. Better yet, the longer I think about what has happened the less I feel as I love him and can forgive him. He doesn't seem to understand that he scratched the scars my father left on me, clear open. He doesn't understand that i feel abandoned and disappointed once again. He could have understood it, if he had tried to listen to my stories about my father. But whenever I said my fathers name he'd say: I don't want to hear about him, you should stop thinking about him.
I used to think, if my boyfriend does not look like my mother... must he look like my father's then? (For people find partners similar to their parents). This is what scares me so much. There's none like my father. But what if this one person is like him? If that is the case, then this behaviour will never stop. I enjoy every moment i have with my boyfriend, but maybe it would have been better if we had stayed apart the first time we broke up, it would have spared me the pain and insecurity. Not to mention that all of this happened around my exams, i'm scared to death that it may have effected my grades.
