hello stranger, it's been a long time.... you can look at my butt. I feel like I can really be vulnerable around you....
Well, that felt good! long time no see. I felt responsible for updating my public diary after all this time. I realized that I hadn't published the last part, so I went ahead and did it anyways. Just to be clear: that was in august of 2022. That is a heck of a while ago... I just realized how funny it is that a group of strangers decided to read this, for whatever reason it was. I like to have some spectators to my life, anyone does, respectfully. So, I passed my exams, again, and went to university. I am currently studying psychology- shocker!! I went through a rough couple of months this winter. I think it had something to do with the levels of serotonin in my body. Thus I decided that I would go running again, with a strong will and discipline. I am proud of myself, for as you should know, I had suffered from anorexia nervosa. and I promise you that I have no intent of losing weight. it has been a long time since I cared for the number on a scale. Of course, I have my insecurities, those will always remain. But I realized that there are far worse things in life than the size of my buttocks. Which is the size of my titties- that was a joke. No, which is my mental health. I have lacked motivation for my studies for three long years. I have lacked much social contact for over a year. I have lost many friends. I have lost a lot of will to exist.
but remember, to exist is to experience pain. And there nothing one can change about existing. we do not know the reason for it, but we are simply brought to live. The only thing we are allowed to decide; is the way in which we exist; poorly, or good.
There is one thing that I hope: it is that if I die, I will have eternal sleep. there will be no heaven nor hell for me, nor reincarnation. I will not become a ghost, nor dust. when my physical body is gone, so will I be. I do not want to play the game that is life again. For that, I have discovered, I think too much. I have grown to understand that I am both a poet as I am a philosopher. Even if questions do not need to be answered, it is a tiring act to ask them. it is a tiring act to always doubt.
i will choose to live my life good. I will try to be healthy, to be happy. But that is all I can give anymore.
if it comforts one to hear this: I have many interests which make my life a wonderful experience. lately, I have rediscovered my love of the arts. I am still writing, I am still painting. I have a wonderful family and small circle of friends. There is nothing wrong with celebrating a simple life.
goodnight.
