3. The state of things
My most recent problem is nothing really. I feel like i have solved most of my problems, I don't feel bothered by the monster; i feel more misunderstood or ignored. But hey: "When the world turns it's back on you, you turn your back on the world!"
The last time i wrote something in my so called "journal", at least with a little attention has to have been more than a month ago. I can tell you nothing changed but that i just stopped caring, but that's not true. I of course haven't told whoever is reading this everything, but i actually intend on doing that right now. Just because i feel like it.
4. Relationships
To be fully honest i "hate" it when people feel uncomfortable talking about relationships and other private things. The other day my boyfriend even told me that i should stick to my self an keep some secrets for once, then i said to him: you know i'm an open book, I cannot lie. At that time we both were drunk and mad and especially he was mad because i once again let other influence me. He knows I can't help it, but my oh my do i know he wants me to stop. It's no joke and no surprise that this tiny little thing is created by that parasite in my head. And maybe i am just a little bit crazier than others, but I don't mind it.
I am an open book and i wil speak openly about my relationship, just because i know i can. It's private, but as if any of you know me, and as if any of you even bother to tell someone about my fantastic relationship.
So i met him at a party, and quite was that he was the brother of a boy who i had been in the same class with in the time of my "lowest point". I felt really bad because his little brother had said some pretty mean things about me and he knew of my mental health because my whole class knew. But my boyfriend (at the time not of course) he was so different from his little brother, I couldn't believe they were only the slightest related. That night i acted like he was some sort of celebrity saying: "o my god I can't believe he's your brother!". We try to blame that on the alcohol.
But what actually happened was we talked, and that was it. I was looking so bad for someone that i ended up finding someone who was way "younger" than me, and I don't mean that in age i mean that in mind. He thought so much and he probably was a truly smart lad, but he thought in such a different way. I can tell you i liked his best friend (who i still think of is gay) more.
I had just told this other guy that i did not want a relationship with him, which actually pissed him off a lot. I told him that I wasn't ready for a relationship, and that I didn't think it would work out. I was very serious about it because I don't look for someone temporarily. All he said was: "Jesus, it's not like we're marrying" and actually from that point i truly knew i had made the best decision ever.
And maybe it was because this guy cursed with the name Jesus (though I don't really believe in a messiah) so I'm guessing it was sheer luck, but suddenly i saw that this guy that i had been talking to at the party (which had been several months ago) added me on snapchat. Now you must be thinking this is some stupid childrens romance thing, but it didn't start there for me because when we talked on snapchat I didn't really get the message.
So in juli i had another party from the same girl that threw the party where we met, and this time i was nervous for some reason. As soon as i got there i started drinking because I didn't want to seem socially awkward, i knew that he was going to come that night and I hadn't seen him yet so i felt weird to have to greet him. I remember when he walked in I didn't even dare to look at him (even though i am already stupid drunk after a few drinks). But finally somehow and at some time i came to him, and the first thing i did was ask him for a cigarette to secretly smoke with a girl that i had just met at the party. He gave that to me and when the party was over his group stayed and my group too. I sat down on the couch because i had to go to the bathroom and then he came to sit next to me. We started talking and he confessed that he thought i was a Polka, which i found rude because i am not. And he asked me to come over the day after, and my drunk consciousness said yes. After i was brought home by a group of friends i had gotten a text from him which i didn't see until morning. And then that day we met up.
It took a bout a month until we had a relationship. He worked a lot more for it than i did because i was scared to get hurt of course. But when we had a relationship it already seemed like we had known each other for years.
And this might be silly to say but it's a confession i have to make. I trusted him a lot, so when on our first date we went to my home, we watched a movie and during the movie he started to get really close and really sweet so he then asked me if i wanted to have sex with him, and i was a 15 year old virgin in a relationship of one day, and i said yes. So there it went pehw that's out.
I now understand how relationships work, i help him to make him feel happy and he does that to me. I am very grateful to have him because he is so smart, he has such life knowledge, and he can read people like i read books. He always knows how to make me feel a little better and when I really need him, he's there. Even if i am most of the time hard to understand, he tries.
