No it did not. I passed my exams, naturally. But now i wonder why I doubted myself in the first place. Though i must admit, that i am not the person that i once was. I am much more selfish and perhaps even narcissistic.
Naturally i passed my exams, i am under the impression that my mind and intelligence have no limits. Put me in a certain position on a certain level and i could easily adapt. I could easily consider myself better than anyone other.
And still i have one steady reader. Or perhaps it's snother person per story (per chapter). What could my life interest to you? Could it teach you a fair share about life? I think not. Life itself remains incomprehensible not to mention unexpected. One day we feel as if nothing matters, the other day we realise we are as happy as ever. One day we are quite happy with ourselves, the other we become incredibly conscious of ourselves. We see the ugly, scarred side. The side that i find egocentric. Yet we must understand that this side is not all bad, most of the time it's all good, it's a steady wall, a protective dome. I told you once about the tortoise, the lion and the peacock. I have finally learned to be that peacock. Well, sometimes, other times I decide wether i am the lion or the tortoise. Neither of all i find a bad solution to one's problems, the theory depends on the reaction only, not what thought lay behind the lion. Not the problem-solving matter.
This week actually, i realised that i am the toxic person in my relationship. I'm too vain, too stubborn to understand him. Though he has such a complicating mind. Easily to misunderstand, verbally aggressive, not all too understanding towards others, childlike even. I wish i could say that i could trust everything he says, that i could depend on his logics and tactics, but i know that, for the time being, I can't. He deserves the world, so much more than i can give. I do feel that he has a certain bad connection to sexual intimacy, i am learning about this now for we have been together for almost three years. And after three years you would think it is time that you know each other's darkest secrets. He thinks about sex a lot, though he might admit it sometimes, he has been thinking about sex a lot since he was twelve years old. And i thought that i was young when i first started to even think about sex. I can comprehend this and leave it at peace. But sometimes i think too much, and usually when i think, my mind comes to the right conclusion. Yes, i think in a way he has an addiction (such as my father had) and yes in a way i feel that he lacks certain understanding to the emotions and values of other people ( like my father). But i am the toxic person in this relationship, for i know that he does not compare me to other's and that he accepts me for who i am ( though i must admit that i do a pretty fantastic job in being his partner).
Ahh, but i forgot about her didn't i? To be fair, i just cried while i reread the last chapter. I remember the fear i had back then. Though i do not remember to have it recently. It seems my new philosophy says: it's fun until it is not. Which means, as long as i want to be with him, that is how far i will go. No further. He often says that if i were to leave him he would be scarred for life and that he does not see a way to recover from such an event, i often tell him that he mist not say such things. And in secret, i tell him this because I don't want to carry such responsibility and such blame.
The girl is still in the picture, she messages him, asks him to meet her. And yes, there is a possibility that he might have a sexual attraction towards this girl. But there's is an even larger chance that he simply needs that confirmation, that he is still desirable, even from other girls. I wonder why he needs it, but do not blame him. I sometimes wonder if i am still suitable for others, if i am still pretty and likeable enough. And there is no harm in that, yet somehow i never get this confirmation, i don't seek for it, but i used to get this without seeking for it too. He does, and he tells me about it often, not just from her but others too. I feel as if he does it to revel in my reaction and my jealousy. Yet on the other hand he likes the attention and i know it. Not too long ago he even asked for permission to have sex with others, yet later took back his words and also accepted that i would say no.
Well actually, i said i would think about it. But when i saw him the other day at a party, he did not even greet me, he simply started about her and subtly suggested that he could meer up with her to have sex. I was in such a state of shock, and he realised. I saw how much he regretted his words. Yet however i would love to forget those words, you can't take back what you said. Especially not with me.
There you go.
That was that.
