A/N: If you're wondering why Gir hasn't had a real presence until now, it's because I cannot write him to save my life. Enjoy my struggles.
The two found their way downstairs after about an hour. An hour of Dib having to listen to Zim nitpick every little thing about his holo disguise unit. An hour he'd never get back. Dib feigned hunger to get his wristband back, and it was a good thing he did, as Gir was waiting expectantly for them at the foot of the stairs. Tendrils of smoke snaked out of the kitchen, and Zim immediately went into big-brother mode.
"What did you do?!" Zim stormed past the guilty looking robot. Dib almost felt bad for it. "This is the third time this month! I told you, you have to put water in it!" Dib rounded the corner to see Zim standing in front of a smoking box. Zim wrenched the door open and a cloud of black smoke smothered him. He let out a choked scream.
"What did you do?" Dib looked down at the robot, curious. Zim was fighting away the smoke in the background. Gir looked up at him with a wide grin.
"I made mac and cheese!" Just like with Zim, Gir was obviously inhuman. His disguise was little more than a ball cap and some clothes. No effort was taken to conceal his robotic appearance, but the humans somehow still didn't notice. Completely idiotic monkeys.
Dib shook his head, patting the little robot on its head. Zim was still busying himself with a fire that was now threatening to engulf the microwave. Maybe now was as good a time as ever to start step 2. Or at least, start the preparations.
"Do you want to see something cool, Gir?" Dib fished around in his PAK for something to distract the robot. His multitool would do, just enough to lure it away from the kitchen. He wished he knew where all the entrances to Zim's base were.
"A taco?" Gir screeched, and Dib frantically shook his head, shushing the robot. "What is it?" Gir asked in a stage-whisper. Better than nothing.
"Here, fol—"
"What is it?!"
"If you fo—"
" What is it!?!"
"Follow me!" Dib tried not to shout, rubbing his temples. He dangled the multi tool out in front of the robot, waggling it back and forth to keep Gir's attention. They ended up backing right into the wall, and Dib was suddenly cornered by the robot. "Computer?" he hissed, "Base!"
No reply from the computer, but a panel in the wall opened, sending both Irken and SIR unit tumbling down a chute. Gir cheered, throwing his hands up in the air with a high pitched squeal.
When they arrived at the base, Gir launched himself out of the chute at mach 10, bouncing from object to object in delight. "You built all of this under our house?!?" The SIR looked at him with bright cyan eyes, "Look at this!" he held up a screwdriver, "And this!" he bounded to a tube in the center of the room, pressing the giant red button on its side. A hive of long dead bees tumbled out of it.
"What about this?" Dib walked over to the giant monitor, trying to get the overactive robot's attention, "A big TV?"
"Does it play Angry Monkey?" Gir asked, running full speed in Dib's direction and screeching to a halt a little too close for comfort.
"I don't know what that is," Dib started, "You know what it does do, though?"
"Does it have Floopsy Bloops Shmoopsy?!"
"I don— Yes. Sure, yes, it does. It has all sorts of things," Dib circled around behind the SIR. Clearly no work could be done on it while it was on . "Wanna know what else it has?"
"What?" Gir tried to turn around to face Dib, but the Irken turned the robot back toward the monitor and flipped it off in one smooth motion. The lifeless robot collapsed to the floor.
"Finally," Dib groaned, reaching down to pull the robot's memory chip from its head. Maybe Zim would be more willing to part with his weapons if Dib upgraded his SIR unit. It seemed like everything in the little robot was faulty to some degree.
"I would've liked to have gotten its permission ," Dib grumbled to himself, blowing the dust out of the socket on the desk. "But something tells me that wasn't going to happen."
Inserting the chip, he was greeted with a password lock. " Wonderful, " he muttered, trying several combinations. "The only person who knows the password wiped his memories."
"You sure love talking to yourself," the computer's voice echoed through the dark metal hallways.
"Do I?" Dib didn't bother glancing up, tapping out a few more attempts at the passcode. "I didn't notice. Weird."
"You know there's someone else who knows the password..." The computer hummed, vibrating the whole room.
"Yeah, with my luck it would be Gir. Do you know how long it would take to extract that kind of info from that? " Dib gestured frustratedly at the heap of metal and clothing on the floor.
"He's not the only one," The computer tried, exasperatedly. "You know I was there the entire time, right?"
A lightbulb went off in Dib's head. "You were there the entire time! You must know the password!" He finally tore his eyes away from the screen, turning to face the empty room. "So, what is it?"
"Well now I don't think I want to tell you."
"What do you mean?! I thought I was helping you ' for the good of the mission '!"
"Maybe if you showed me a little more respect..."
"You've got a lot of gall for being a couple of wires and a disembodied voice."
"I'll have you know I control every aspect of this house. I could disintegrate you right this moment. But I don't, I respect you."
Dib huffed, turning back to the monitor. "Fine. I'm sorry that I didn't catch your vague hints. What's the password?"
"What's the magic word?"
"What's the magic word..." Dib tapped the phrase into the box. Access Denied . "That wasn't it."
The computer let out a robotic groan, "I guess it's an Earth expression. Just say please."
"Please?" Dib blinked, confused.
"Okay, the password is 'ZimTheGreatest12345' "
"I could have guessed that!" Dib tapped it in. Access Granted. "That's on me, I severely overestimated his capacity to make a secure password." He was in, finally he could put his field of expertise to use. He started hunting through the files for a recovery folder or backup drive.
Thankfully, he knew where to look. He may not be an expert at building revolutionary holographic disguise technology— according to Zim— but he knew a thing or two about SIR units. Within no time at all he had a promising set of files. Several recovery states to boot from, one dated from mid 2006, another from mid 2002, and the last from late 2001. He could only assume the most recent one was the most complete.
Next Dib had to actually restore the chip, which would be harder. It was an intricate process and any sort of data interruption could corrupt the entire drive. Pulling up the interface on the primary computer, he ran a few lines of code and started the restore process. Estimated completion time of over two hours, that left plenty of time for Dib to hash out how he'd keep the robot from exploding Zim within a matter of seconds. Maybe they could start slow...
A/N: According to Google, Backseat Drivers from Beyond the Stars first aired on Nicktoons in the US on June 10, 2006. That coincidentally makes today the 15th anniversary, and I had to get something out to celebrate. It's my favourite episode of the show, and its also partially the catalyst for the entire story even happening. The other folder dates also concide with the air dates of two Gir centric episodes...
Also, I am uploading a completely optional companion one-shot to the previous chapter. It's just cute interactions between the two while ZIm plays with the holo disguise unit. It is a 100% optional read and doesn't impact the story in any way whatsoever.
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A Simple Guide to Overthrowing an Empire
Fanfiction"I don't understand," Dib muttered, more to himself, "Why don't you understand?" he looked back up at the terrified Irken before him. What happened to the rogue, 'very dangerous' invader that he'd been warned about? And more importantly, why didn't...
