Falling Down (Rick Grimes Romance)

Chapter 3

It is always so much easier to sit back and judge someone six ways to Sunday. To point the finger accusingly at someone else is self satisfying. Declaring that you yourself would never do such a thing. After all surely you would take the moral high ground no questions asked. Nobody wants to examine their own mistakes, motives and overall indecencies. After all if we were truly honest with ourselves we would never be able to sleep at night let alone look at ourselves dead on in the mirror.

What would your reflection say about you? Would it say you were kind or cruel. That you were self serving or generous. Honest to a fault or perhaps your story is peppered with lies. Could you say you were a person of virtue or is your hallo tarnished. Have you lived your life to biblical standards or have you fallen from grace. For he who has never sinned be the first to throw the stone.

There was a time when I was guilty of judging others. After all I judged Lori for sleeping with Shane so quickly after she thought Rick had died. Yet here I was but three months later doing the exact same thing. I could justify it by saying I wasn't married and that Rick had chosen Lori. That I was technically single. I could justify it but what I was doing was almost worse.

I had no feelings for Shane at all past friendship. There was no zing, no pop, no desire what so ever. Not even a momentary fantasy. The sad truth of it was while Shane and I were in the throws of passion I closed my eyes imagining it was Rick. In my mind it was Ricks lips upon my lips. Ricks hands caressing my body. The moan of pleasure in my ear belonged not to Shane but to Rick. In my heart and in my mind it was never Shane's name I wanted to call out but only Ricks.

Ya I know your judging me but after everything I don't really care. I know it's a bitch move to use Shane in the way that I was but its not like he wasn't getting anything out of it. I realize that to a large point we acted like a couple. Did things that signalled we were a couple. Spending nights at each other's places, eating together, hanging out that sort of thing. Still when it came right down to it I didn't give a shit one way or another. It was just something that happened.

The old me would have felt guilty and never would have allowed things to progress to the point in which things are now. I would have talked to Shane and drawn the line at friendship. But that was then and this is now. I was no longer the person I use to be.

Besides Shane knew where I sat emotionally. That I was still in love with Rick and yet Shane was the one to press for a relationship between us. It was Shane who began with the suggestive looks, flirtatious touches that eventually lead to a physical relationship. I'm not resolving myself of my share of the responsibility I'm just saying Shane knew the score.

"Can I ask you something?" My voice flat, emotionless.

Rolling into his side Shane snuggled up against me. "You can ask me anything."

"That first night when we got here what did you tell everyone?" I didn't myself understand why I was digging up old bones. Three months later why did I give a shit what Shane had said.

"That we had come from the prison." Shane's touch was gradually becoming hesitant as quiet seconds ticked by. "Why?"

I knew Shane knew exactly what I was talking about but I played the game and clarified my question. "That's not what I meant. What did you say when they asked where Lori was?"

"Exactly who are you referring to?" Clearing his throat Shane leaned up on his elbow as he looked down at me.

"The others.... everyone outside of this trailer.... the camp." I made a circling gesture with my hands.

"That Lori wanted to stay at the prison and you wanted to leave." Rolling onto his back Shane raised his arms behind his head lacing his fingers. "It's the truth. It's what happened."