The Rebels

Chapter 30

⚠️⚠️TW MENTIONS OF SELF HARM IF TRIGGERED PLEASE SKIP IF YOU OR OTHERS ARE SUFFERING THROUGH SELF HARM AND/OR SUICIDAL THOUGHTS PLEASE SEEK HELP YOU ARE NOT ALONE message me if you need someone, I'm here :) <3⚠️⚠️

We came back after staying at the library for a few more minutes. I guess we couldn't stay there forever. We climbed back into the sewers with the bag. When we walked in, they all looked at us. I guess we came back a little late, so it's understandable. "Thank god you guys are safe. What's in those bags?" Jackson asked us as he walked towards us. We set the bags on the counter and started emptying them. Luna and Justin walked up to us as well to observe. "Well, we wanted to get more supplies since I noticed we were running low. I grabbed some first-aid supplies and Mina grabbed some government clothing so we can go in disguise." Everyone nodded their heads as we were finishing emptying the bags. Luna then grabbed the stuff and put them in their proper places. I watch as they work together and I can't help but think that they've got everything figured out and I'm still very, confused.

Once everything was unpacked, we all laid down in our beds and I had my Ipod plugged in. The song that was playing was "goodbye" by Billie Eilish. It's not a long song, but it is so beautiful. "Please, please Don't leave me be" I wonder how long it'll take for them to change their minds and not want me here anymore. Probab;y not that long. I mean, I'm just putting more weight than they need. They already have to deal with a lot. I feel bad for being happy because I feel like I don't deserve it. I don't deserve any of the good stuff that has happened to me. I deserve much worse.

Everyone is asleep but me. I look around and I see Mina peacefully sleeping. She deserves better. I walked over to one of the three tables we had and grabbed one of the combat knives. I looked down at my left arm. I was able to take off the bandages, but you can still see the scars. They're fading. I know to most people that haven't gone through this would think that's a good thing, but they have no idea what it's like. "It's not true Take me to the rooftop Told you not to worry What do you want from me?" For most people, when they see their scars fading, it's a bad thing and it motivates them to do it more. I know for most people, it sounds crazy that that thought alone could motivate people to cut again, but it's really an addiction. When most people say that they're addicted to something, they automatically think of drugs or alcohol. They're not wrong, but you can really be addicted to anything. For me, it was hard trying to quit cutting. I know for a fact that it's not easy, but I know that relapse is ok.

I need relief. I deserve to be punished for being a burden to everyone. I looked at the knife and I looked back at my arm. I shouldn't do it. Mina would be upset, I know it's not good for me, but the demon that lives in my head tells me too. I pulled the knife to my left arm. I know where all the important nerves are, so I need to avoid those. I then moved the blade across my arm and the familiar stinging feeling appeared. Where the blade has been, bright red liquid goes in its place. I deserve it, but it feels nice. It feels relieving. I then did it again. And again. I need to stop, I know I need to stop, but it makes me feel better. I feel like I deserve this. I deserve to be punished for burdening everyone. I feel tears running down my face. One for my family possibly dead, one for them getting hurt because of me, one of them for Vic, one of them not being good enough for Mina, one of them for being another problem The Rebels have to worry about. I ended up with 12 new scars on my arm, still bleeding. This is what it has come too.

"Bite my tongue, bide my time What is it about them? I'm the bad guy" I clean up my cuts and I bandaged them. They'll definitely notice, but I'm still gonna put on a long sleeve because in case they don't notice, they won't have to worry about me anymore, for at least that. I at least cleaned it, so I don't have to worry about it getting infected. I also cleaned up the blade so hopefully they won't notice anything. I laid back in my bed and it was still as stiff as it was when I first got here. I got used to it though, I used to love sleeping on the floor. I laid on my side with my earbuds still in my ears. I then closed my eyes, and hopefully I can get some sleep.

When I woke up, I was the first one awake. I'm so tired, I was barely able to sleep. I put my Ipod back and I went to the bathroom. I took off my bandanna and I looked in the mirror. My eyes were my regular brown eyes. Understandable, I have mixed emotions. I also saw that I had eyebags. I haven't gotten much sleep lately. Good thing I have my bandanna on though. They don't have to see that. I then looked at my body. I was wearing some leggings and an oversized black hoodie. I look ugly. I don't know why Mina likes me. I look fat. I put my bandanna back on. I rinsed my face with water and then I left the bathroom. When I walked out, I saw Mina sitting at the counter eating some granola. She looked at me and gave me a smile. I smiled back at her and I went to sit next to her. She is literally so perfect. "Hey, do we have anything planned for today?" I asked Mina. I don't know if we already have something planned. I don't really know if I'm in the loop or not. "Not much. Though, today is dosage day so that's really the biggest thing we have for today." Mina said, still munching on her granola. Right, I forgot about that. Oops.

Everyone else woke up and Jackson checked his watch. "They should be meeting up at the town halls at about 8:43 a.m so we should start getting dressed. It might take a while to get there." We all nodded our heads and grabbed our clothing. I need something long sleeve. They can't see me like that. Plus, I'm ugly. I went to the bathroom and I locked the door. If Mina saw that I cut myself again, she would probably lecture me. Wait, what if Justin is reading my thoughts again? He wouldn't do that. Nonetheless, I'm gonna try to attempt to keep him out of there.

Once I had my clothes on, I looked at the dirty mirror. I took off my bandanna. There were still bags underneath my eyes. Crap. I know for a fact they're gonna tell me to take it off and then they're gonna see my eye bags. I start frantically looking around to see if I can cover it somehow. I then saw a bottle of concealer in a cabinet. I looked at the expiration date and it seemed like it was still good. I hope it is. I opened it and smelt it to see if it's bad or not. I wonder why they would have this. It smells like makeup, so I think it's safe. I think it's my skin tone too. I put the concealer under my eyes and blended it out with my fingers. I never really was into makeup, but the government required all girls to take dance lesions from ages 4-10. So I had to use makeup. I looked back in the mirror. It's not perfect, but it's gone. I looked at my eyes and they're still my natural ones. That's odd, they never really stayed like this often. That's kind of concerning, but I'll deal with it later. I put the concealer back where I found it and I tied my bandanna on my hand. I feel so exposed. I'm just so used to hiding myself and now, I don't have to hide. It feels nice.

I got out of the bathroom and I saw that they were ready. This is awkward. I feel like they're all staring and judging me. It makes me really nervous. I looked at the floor. If I don't look at them, I won't have to literally see them staring at me. "Alright. Let's go." Justin said. I started following someone's feet. I can't look at them right now. I feel like they're gonna see right through me and I don't want them to worry more than they already have too. "Hey, are you ok?" Mina asked. I can tell by her voice. I can't look at her especially. I know I can't lie to her. "Yeah, I'm fine. Don't worry about it." I said, still staring at the floor. I can just feel her staring at me. I know she can tell I'm lying, but you never know. "If you say so." I think she gave up. I think she gave up on me. I mean, I would too. I'm a failure. "Stop thinking that. It's not true." Justin said in my head. Can you please get out of my head Justin? I thought I was able to prevent you from getting in there. "I know. Lately it's been harder to hear your thoughts. Are you trying to hide something?" No. I'm not trying to hide anything. Please leave me alone. "Fine, fine." We then all started climbing up the ladder. I guess we're really doing this.