BAD HABITS || CARL GRIMES

seventeen

*Trigger Warning - This chapter contains content about/of sexual assault, and the instance directly, which could be triggering to some readers*

SOMETHING shifted within the last week.

Maybe it was because memories were resurfacing, ones that I had begged every God I knew of to keep at bay; or maybe it was because I felt trapped behind these walls , the same way that Carl did. Maybe it was a mixture of the two... but if I were being honest, deep down I knew that it was the first.

I couldn't help but laugh. It was pathetic. A box of condoms was sending me into a place of misery, one that I fought so hard to drag myself out of. How could a box do that?
I know that Carl doesn't expect anything, I knew that the instant I saw the box. But knowing that and acknowledging that are two very different things.

It's been four days since Carl and I went on our run, since we had our taste of freedom that we had been dying for. Everyday since that day, he held me as I cried. He steadies my body as sobs shake it, he rubs gentle circles on my back, and practically begs me with his words to understand that everything is okay. When I meet his eyes they search mine desperately, looking for an answer. I cant bring myself to tell him, to utter the words of what's haunting me. I'm sure he knows. Carls smart, I'm certain he's put two and two together; but I'm so grateful he hasn't suggested anything.

"Sunshine" a voice speaks from outside my bedroom door, followed with a gentle knock.

"Come in" I reply.

The door pushes open and Carl walks in, dragging me from my thoughts. He looks exhausted, he has bags under his eyes from nights of staying awake with me, and the beer bottle that sits in his hand has become a part of him.

"What're you doing?" he asks as he closes the door behind him and strides over to the bed, lying down beside me once he reaches it.

"I'm just thinking" I hum, playing with my hands.

"About?" he questions, curiosity sparking in those ice blue eyes of his.

"This week" I answer.

I look up and watch as the concern fills his eyes once again, and notice his deep exhale that he takes before brining the bottle to his lips.

"What about it?" he questions calmly.

"I'm just trying to understand" I mumble.

I watch as he stretches over and places his bottle on the bedside table before turning to me again. He props his head against his hand as he sits against his elbow, and looks at me deeply. His gaze focused on me as he waits for me to continue.

"I just, it's ridiculous. Something so small... something so normal, it just, I don't even know. It's like it twisted my brain" I breathe.

"Grace" he breathes. "I just wanted them, they don't mean anything".

"I know that" I tell him.

"If I had known, I wouldn't have" he admits lowly.

I take his hand in mine gently and squeeze it. He looks down and watches my every move, never taking an eye off of where our skin meets.

"No, you're allowed to get whatever you want" I tell him.

"I'm just saying that if I knew it would hurt you like this... I never would have fucking touched them" he breathes.

I move my body closer to where he lies beside me and tilt my head up. His eyes meet mine an stare intently at me as I inch myself up closer to his lips. He meets me in the middle, as he gently brushed his lips against mine. Warmth fills me as he kisses me. His kiss is gentle, it feels safe, Carl is safe.