Random Stuff (Hiatus)

Vent #1

Probably just ignore this.

TWs: misgendering, homophobia, transphobia, cussing(does that count?), probably some other stuff let me know if you see a TW I should add.

I know this is probably pretty hypocritical of me, I've never vented to anyone despite often telling people to do so. This is also nowhere near as bad as a lot of the other stuff people vent about, focus on those first. 

I love my parents. I really do. But sometimes they make it hard. I came out to them as Genderfluid a while ago, specifying that I am not a girl and they shouldn't use she/her pronouns for me. They said they would support me. It's been weeks and they've never used anything but she/her. I got more support from a teacher that I knew for a year through digital learning and met in person once for testing than I get from my own parents. She was supportive! She asked for what pronouns to use, and never used the wrong ones despite them often changing! But my parents just couldn't be bothered. I haven't been able to meet with my only in-person friend for months due to us never being able to find a time that works. She's great, we've been friends since the first year of preschool, but it really isn't the same for us online. She's also the only other in-person person I know (aside from said teacher) that uses my proper pronouns. I really want to try to come out to more people in-person, but I can't come out to my mom's side of the family because they're homophic as shit and probably dont realise that being genderqueer is a thing. I can't come out to my dad's side because I honestly barely know them at this point, and last time we visited them I stayed in the room they let me sleep in the whole time because A; it was awkward enough without me, and B; they were so loud I could not stand it. I was barely able to make it through my gym class today because I've been very motion sick for the last month or so, and having major headaches did not help. I only got through it because I didn't want to drop out early for the 3rd time in a row. Turns out my parents (mostly my mom) were still really mad and we had a yell off. Or at least I think it would be called that, it's basically impossible for me to yell, my normal voice is considered a 'quiet library' by any audio things we've tried and people often can't hear me when I'm right next to them. This is one of the increasingly common times where I want to just give up on talking altogether. It just isn't worth it. And then there's the gym coach himself. I tried asking some questions about obstacle modifications for the first time ever in the almost 3 years I've been going to that gym, and I understand he's new to this, but he ignored my everytime. The other kids never seem to have self awareness, or even just awareness. Do you realize how many times ive had to drop off of an obstacle and hurt myself so I didn't hit somebody who calmly walked into my obstacle and either walked through or just straight up stood there. Even the coaches do that! And, I mean, at the very least my parents haven't deadnamed me (as far as i'm aware) (that's probably because my name used to be my nickname for basically my whole life), but at the gym? Nope, everytime I'm referred to it's my deadname and/or wrong pronouns. Even the fucking orthodontist I go to for braces doesnt deadname me, and I haven't come out to them (not much of a reason to)! Is it really that hard? And back to my in-person friend, I really want to help her. She goes to the same school that we used to go to together until the end of 2nd grade, and it's absolutely hell there for anyone from the LGBTQIA+ community. It's a catholic private school, and the people there are so fucking terrible. Thankfully she found a small group like her that she can talk to. And back to wanting to come out to people, everytime I decide 'you know what, I'm gonna come out to this person' or 'I'm gonna tell this person my pronouns aren't she/her and I'm not a girl' I freeze up and never do. Fuck, I only was able to come out to my friend because she came out first! I wouldn't have been able to otherwise! And she was the only one who knew for half a year! I also want to bind. I've never been comfortable with my body (at least as far back as I can remember) but I only learned that the LGBTQIA+ community was a thing and realised what I was feeling until it was a year too late to go on puberty blockers, not that I would have anyway because I wouldn't have been able to come out. But it's not like I can just ask my parents. And my brother. I know he's three years younger than me, but does that really mean he should have all the positive attention? No critique? I know it's extremely selfish of me, but sometimes I wish he was never born because maybe I'd have a closer relationship with my parents. But other times he'll sit with me for hours and we'll complain about random stuff together. Those are the times I'm glad he's around. Whenever I talk to people online, I do my best to act like the happiest person ever. No matter how I'm actually feeling, I just say I'm fine and continue talking. I always try to help people, listen to their vents, and talk to them. And I will continue to do my best in that aspect. It brings me happiness to know I might be able to help people. But sometimes I don't have a response, and then I just feel like I failed and never should have tried in the first place. Everything is tiring now, even drawing.