Sinners And Sins • BxB

nine

Of course, the welcoming ceremony was going to be hell for me. I don't know what I'm doing here. I shouldn't be here. But I know that it's too late to back out. I can't help but think about all the ways that I would disappoint everyone in my life right now if I decided to turn down this opportunity and went back to the old school.

I want to give my Dad a call, I really miss him, but I don't know if that's what he would need right now. We didn't exactly leave things on the best of terms, and I get the feeling that if I tried calling him up he would only hang up on me. I run my fingers through my hair, remembering how I'd somehow managed to make even my own father hate me.

I shouldn't have done it.

None of it was worth it. None of it was. Not committing the act. Not making my own parents hate me. Nothing about committing that horrible sin was a good thing for me. Just remembering the act nearly sent me to tears. It was all tearing me apart. It changed me. No, worse, it was slowly killing me. Sins were like small pieces of poison. Maybe a bit every once and a while and you might be able to build up immunity, but swallowing all of it all at once the way that I did would only lead to a slow and painful death.

"Hey." I heard Astra talking, knocking on my door. "It's me." She said. I knew that she was here to help me out. To try to get me up and out of bed. To try to get me feeling well enough to face the day ahead of me.

Of course I wasn't. I never would be. It hurt to be out there again. It hurt to be roaming around free as a bird and thinking about all the people that I'd hurt. That I'd hurt people. I might somehow manage to hurt people again if I was out there.

"Come in." I groaned.

"Are you alright?" Obviously, she already knew that I wasn't. I didn't look it. Not in the slightest. Every bone in my body seemed to ache. The mattress was way too soft beneath me, I hadn't brushed my teeth, but also hadn't eaten breakfast. I was a total mess. Astra was just concerned about me. And obviously since she was my best friend and all, she'd already seen me in way worse of a state.

"You need to get out bed eventually," She said softly. "I know you probably aren't doing well, but it's the first day."

I groaned and buried myself even further beneath the covers. Today definitely wasn't going to be my day. I already felt horrible. A splitting migraine was already starting to make it's way through my head. I didn't want this right now. I didn't think I could handle all the responsibility that was about to come hurdling my way once I'd agreed to this. I couldn't handle it right now. I couldn't handle anything right now.

"No, I don't need to get out of bed, ever." I replied. "In fact, I don't think I'm ever getting up again, unless it's to leave this place for good."

"Just get up, please." I could hear her pleading. I hadn't meant to make her worry about me like that. I hadn't meant to cause concern. It was just something that I didn't want to do right now, but I knew how much it probably hurt her to have to see me like this. Covered in blankets, lying here like a useless fucking blob, because last time I hadn't bothered to get up for days at a time.

I threw off the covers. I didn't want to, and just doing that was hard, but I did it for Astra. I didn't want to be any more of a burden to her than I was already being. I had to remind myself that I was doing this for her as I was hit with a breeze of cold air.

"Thank you. Now go get ready for the ceremony, we only have like half an hour before it starts and we're officially late." She said, checking her watch and reminding me.

"Okay, okay, I'm going." I trudged over to the bathroom. I don't know what I would do without Astra. Probably nothing. Without her I would have probably just spent the day in bed, feeling sorry for myself and being even more miserable than I had been before. I didn't want that. I didn't want to feel like this anymore. I wanted to feel happy but it was almost as though I didn't know how to anymore. I'd weirdly forgotten how to be happy. It was an important thing to know.

The bathroom was still dirty. I'd left everything out on the counter from last night and trying to find what I was looking for was like playing a quick game of Where's Waldo.

Astra was back in the other room, already trying to pick out an outfit for me. "Why isn't your closet organized? And why do you keep your t-shirts on hangers instead of folding them?" She called back to me. Obviously, there was nothing in my life that currently wasn't a mess. I think Astra was starting to realize that for herself.

"Whatever, just leave it and I'll find something for myself." I called back still trying to brush through my messy hair.

"You know, you don't have to dress me as though I'm some sort of child." I told her. I know that Astra is just trying to help me out, but I can't help but feel just the tiniest bit annoyed. I think she caught onto that though.

"I'll just wait for you outside." She replied awkwardly.

I sighed, getting dressed and ready. I hated this. I was going to hate this. Already I just wanted to give up again and spend all day inside my bed doing nothing. I opened the door, meeting Astra outside after I'd thrown on a graphic tee and a pair of baggy jeans.

"Okay then, let's go." She replied, already rushing off down the hall.

This was going to be the worst day of my life.