Mansfield Park "The Crawfords' redemption"

Chapter12

Silence followed. Fanny's mind was in total confusion for at least five minutes, feverishly sorting her feelings, re-thinking her concepts of love and of marriage with her newly found knowledge of the world, comparing them to her feelings again. And after quite some time, she looked up at her cousin, relief in her every feature, and she said: 'No. I don't.'

And then Edmund held her tightly anyway, but he did not kiss her passionately, nor on her throat. He gave her a chaste kiss on her cheek, and said: 'Fanny, just because I'm going to get married to Mary does not mean that you cannot love me any longer, I'm sure I love you just as much as ever.

I don't know if you ever really loved me romantically, you may have mistaken sisterly love for love that is meant to turn physical. But even if you did love me intensely once, it is no longer, or never was, physical. I think you loved me like an innocent girl, because you needed me so much, but you have grown up now, and Henry has given you a tiny insight in what adult, physical love is. You don't want that from me, you want that from a really feeling, passionate man.

Let us love eachother as we used to, sharing feelings, and books, and intimate secrets. And I will ask you really a intimate question immediately: 'Do you really want Henry Crawford to kiss you passionately once more?' And Fanny, having gained an enormous insight in herself, and in the nature of love, blushed and admitted: 'I do, I want him to kiss me passionately, yes, even violently, every time he holds me.'

With an intense satisfaction in his voice, Edmund said: 'He has changed you, dear Fanny, and for the good, as you have changed him.Will you tell him about the kiss, right now? He really loves you very much, and I think he is suffering.' Fanny felt she needed a few moments to process the realisation Edmund had given her, that her love for him was indeed a remnant of her dependent childhood, not an adult, physical love. But she decided she could very easily process that feeling together with Henry, who had given her consequence, and wanted to make her happy, and who must still be in mental agony right now for fear his love for her would go unanswered forever.

So she got to her feet, looked back at Edmund, happy that she could look at his handsome face once more without pain, and sought out Henry, who was sitting on another hidden seat with his sister, head low, hopelessness all over his face, a face that she had once thought very plain, but that for some time now she thought lighted from within by the spirit inside him. It was not lighted from within now, and the observation pained her.

Fanny told Miss Crawford: 'Miss Crawford, will you forgive me if I greet you properly in half an hour or so? I have something important to tell your brother, and it needs to be told in private.' Miss Crawford replied: 'Of course I will, dear Fanny, I'll see you soon,' and she left them to themselves.

As soon as he saw Fanny approaching, Henry had wiped the despair from his face and righted his posture, not wanting to burden her with his own grief. She wondered how often he had done that for her, deny his own feelings to spare hers, and she felt a familiar gratitude for his incredible kindness to her, but also a new feeling, a mirror image of his love, finally perceived in her her own heart.

He did not manage to keep the anxiety from his face as he sent her a questioning look. She smiled to reassure him, and sat against him, putting an arm around him as he had done so often for her. He dared to let his head rest on her breast, or maybe he just couldn't keep up his spirits any longer.

She said: 'Dear Henry,' and he looked up at her with hope in his eyes, for she had never called him that before. 'Dear Henry, whenever you hold me, I secretly want you to crush me to your chest really tightly, and kiss me passionately.'

His heart stopped and he found it was suddenly difficult to breathe. He could not believe it, did Fanny just tell him she wanted him to kiss her? He had kissed her once, with passion, but that was a mistake, it had frozen her up. But it was not just that she called him 'dear' or asked to be kissed by him, she looked differently. Happy, actually. And with something in her soft light eyes that he had never seen directed at him before: did he dare to hope it was love?