A One Night of Bliss

Chapter Five: Bliss

Hyukjae was leaning forward on the railings of the merry-go-round, hands clasped together as he is watching it slowly turns in circles.

"Hyukjae!" Dara exclaimed as she waves her hands while passing by him. Hyukjae reciprocates the gesture and smiled at her warmly.

Dara has been riding the merry-go-round for the second time now. Seeing her bright face after she cried hard while giving comforts to him, he didn't have the heart to interrupt her, no matter how many times she wanted to ride it. And this is the least he can do in returning the gratitude he felt since the first time he met her at the bar earlier.

It was the first time since the accident that he openly allowed himself to let out what he had been hiding for years of being a mess. The deepest pain that he never wanted to let out for the reason he deserved all that pain. He didn't want to be selfish knowing that he caused excruciating pain to the people who loved his fiancée. But Dara made him realized that letting out his anguish was not bad and it's not selfish at all. And he needed it badly. He needed someone who will listen to him without being judge by the way how his messed-up mind works.

"If I didn't let my jealousy and anger took over my sanity during that time, it won't happen."

He used to blame his emotions, for failing to control them. He lost his sanity during that time. He lost his ability to think twice and act what is right. But Dara made him realized that he shouldn't blame himself for the reason he was gifted with having those emotions.

"Hyuk, It's ok to get angry or jealous. You shouldn't blame yourself for having those kinds of emotions. And we should be thankful that we are capable of feeling it because having emotions are a gift"

When he recovered from the accident, he didn't feel thankful, even for a tiny bit. He hated himself for living. He hated himself that he survived the accident. He hated that he lived while Jieun's life ended. And that hatred he felt, turned him into a complete mess. He lived his life in a mess. Drowning himself every night into oblivion, in hopes it can help him forget the things that have been lingering in his mind. In hopes that he can forget that he was alive.

"Since the accident, every night I get myself drunk. Because if I am sober, I'm being haunted by my guilt, and by my regrets. I keep wishing for Jieun to come back, that everything was just a nightmare and I need to wake up from that nightmare. But it never happened. And getting drunk, it's my only way of forgetting that distress."

Once again, Dara made him realized that what he was doing is not right...

"Hyuk, what you have been doing is not forgetting. It is running away. You are running away from reality and it will not help you heal. Even if it's painful, you should accept it."

He hates to admit it, but what she had said was true. He is running away from his unwanted reality. He can't accept the fact that he lost someone he treasures. He felt so alone and he was left in complete darkness without a bit of resonating light.

"I tried to shut myself from anyone, even to my brothers. I keep all the pain that I have been feeling even if I wanted to let it out, even if my heart was screaming for help because I know that I don't deserve to be comforted fully. It was my fault... It was my damn fault."