cigarettes after sex

prologue

Life was so complex, so excruciatingly complex and the good things worth making an effort disentangling them were so few that sometimes, or most times, Jaehyun struggled to grasp why he kept fighting at all.

He was not particularly sad, and on the evening he decided to end things, he was actually very much happy. He drove the car to the side, dismounted it, stepped on the tip of the cliff. It was very small, rising just a few meters above the water, but it was just the right size for what he was going to do. Happiness was an illusion, the happy moments would pass, but first get you addicted, then perish and never return. Happiness was a cruel force. The moment you thought you finally solved the puzzle it was already crumbling apart, the moment you thought you had finally made it, the world was already waiting for the right moment to strike, was planning an ambush, was poised to attack. And although these attacks would be mere revelations, the problem was, they would not come alone, they would carry the pain, they'd overwhelm, they'd sweep up, they'd prod and drill and find the way under your skin. Better die happy than wait for the inevitable.

Now you might think that people committing suicide would never commit it whilst being happy. Back then that was what Jaehyun thought too, that such people had to be utterly and absolutely distraught, depressed and hapless, that happy people didn't dare even think of it.
But there he was, the happiest man in the world, sniffing a lethal dose of cocaine, lumbering towards the cliff. He had spent the most wonderful day, the most wonderful night and now was the most wonderful moment to end it for ever and good.
Maybe it was the cocaine.
"잘 부탁드립니다 take good care of me"
Ah, how often he heard that phrase on television. 잘 부탁드립니다 they would say when introduced to a new circle of people, 잘 부탁드립니다 they would say when entitling other people to do things for them. 잘 부탁드립니다 he'd say meaning his fall.
Now that phrase obtained a sinister, deeper meaning.
Now it meant inevitable and imminent death.

Was he even able to think clearly?

Yes, he hadn't been planing it but the thought always hovered somewhere in the corner of his mind, this intrusive thought was always present, was always there.

It's just, with the right amount of cocaine he was finally able to do it.

Finally.

He was thinking clearer than ever.
But again, maybe it was just the cocaine.

He spred out his arms like two wings and the wind seemed against the whole idea.
As he was falling it still tried propelling him backwards.

But maybe it was an illusion.

Maybe it was just the cocaine.

"잘 부탁드립니다", he whispered again, landing on the hard even surface of the rock beneath.
Then he closed his eyes and everything went white.

Finally.