cigarettes after sex

dreaming of you

It was on the day of the talents' show that Jaehyun and Johnny met Mark for the first time. They were both convinced that there were no truthfully talented people in their school, and if there were, then they were obviously in the wrong place, so they did not plan on showing up. St. Mary's High was not a School to raise wunderkinder, much less to nurture creativity. The show was obviously a waste of time. It was clear to Jaehyun that talent's shows were not meant to discover real talents, but entertain, they were not real contests. They knew better ways of spending their time.

"I'm sorry about  Adeline"
"What makes you think of her now"
Jaehyun was the first to exit the cubicle and it was his job to make sure there was no one to witness them exit a cubicle together.
"I mean the baby, I'm sorry for the baby"
Jaehyun wanted to repeat his question but decided otherwise.
"I figured that"
"What", Johnny let his glance stray, "What would you have done about the baby. If she let you decide it"
"What would have I done about the baby...", he mused,"Well, first, I would have looked to it that I had full custody. Then I don't know, buy pampers, I guess. I don't know what it is that you want to hear, my shopping list?"
"No, I mean, would you have raised it? Alone?"
"Alone? Are you meaning to move out?"
"No(?)" He was scratching his elbow.
"Do you even know anything about children?"
"Why, of course, I've been one. Everybody has."
"Yes but not everyone's chill like you, what if it screams all the time, what if it gets this ugly type of character where one demands constant attention and goes nuts when it doesn't get it? What if it's an extrovert?"
"I don't mind that, as long as it loves me I'm fine. We could have one together, you know, babysit it in shifts"
"Oh no that's your problem, you deal with it yourself"
"Johnny, we live together, I think you would participate in the rearing process either way.", Jaehyun observed.
Johnny frowned and drew a breath.
"No, it's just, wouldn't it be weird? Us, rearing a child? What is it? A 'modern family' side story?"
"I don't know, would you like it that way?"
"That way? Jaehyun, I'm no queer"
"Me neither!"
They walked out into the hall and strolled forth. It was empty and quiet. Here, next to the rows of lockers and evenly spaced doors one could hear the sun spill its golden light on the lockers, stream down along the walls and crash on the laminate floors.  It was possible to hear and count their own breaths.
They were the last, the only people left. And the sun simply had no other people to bid farewell to and as it touched their faces, dwelling on them with certain longevity of touch and chastity of affection, it was not simply touching them, it was a caress that their faces were yielding to, it was a hand of a mother, of a long-deceased parent. The sun was as real a person as a ghostly face of an apparition, one had to hope that its presence was real,  that it was what one saw, but it was hope that one would've submitted to. It was the hope of two people that longed to be reassured, people who, startled and dazed had no other people to turn to, that searched for reassurance, for understanding, that wanted to bond and feel safe like two fear-smitten animals, snuggling up together.
Jh was walking past locked doors and his hand, thrust out, was brushing across the wood of the doors and the cement of walls. He felt the difference with his fingertips, he concentrated on the touch and he was thinking of impermanence of that what he felt, of the impermanence of the current moment as he had suddenly thought of something else.
"How do you know it? How do you know you're no queer. Because you did, are doing both. Tell me how you know it"
He had stopped by a door and waited for Johnny to catch up and stop beside him, then he waited for an answer.
"I don't know Jaehyun, some things you just", Johnny started, in a tone he used only when every other was exhausted, "know."
"How-"
"Don't ask me how. I just know it"
"But-"
Johnny cut in, impatiently,"Jaehyun".
"Yes?", Jaehyun asked, without inflection, without an appropriate raise of his voice.
"Are you trying to tell me something?"
"I am not trying to tell you anything"
It was hard for Johnny to tell if Jaehyun was irritated, hurt or indifferent, it was open to discussion whether Jaehyun was affected or unaffected by Johnny's words. Besides, he knew it was not his words really, rather the intonation which could've stirred any mentioned emotion, it was how he said it.
It took Johnny a moment to realize that what he just did was an impromptu, open attack, first unexpected strike whilst the person he hit was distracted by something else, something he was not responsible but grateful for. It was an ambush and ultimately put him to shame. What could Jaehyun possibly do other than deny? Of course he'd scuttle.
Of course he'd go looking for a subtle way to change the topic.
"I don't hear it", Johnny replied to Jaeyhun question, referring to the noise Jaehyun was certain to make out behind the door. "Come closer and listen"
Johnny followed Jaehyun's instruction and agreed that there was someone crying behind that door indeed. They opened it and then they saw it with their own eyes. Among boxes greased with layers of dust, a black gleaming piano and shelves, there was a whining curvature of flesh, a clot of human limbs, head and body all tangled in a knot without a form, without anything human, a shape that throbbed and purred, which was a convulsive purr of a dying animal, a series of broken, muffled whimpers that proved that the origin of the sound was indeed a mouth and a head and it had to be human's.
Jaehyun advanced a step forwards and the manifestation of misery unraveled to display an oval of white, some places red flesh. Johnny had the urge to recoil and flinched instead. The face had two oblique, small eyes that were spilling tears on the reddened peaks of its cheeks. The mouth was wry and pulled tight, in a hard ruthless line, as if set to underscore the resemblance it had with the squint of his eyes, as though it was dying to emphasize that that face was built of lines and not curves, that every part had at least one if not several lines and that it was by their intersection that the face came to being, that the face came into existence. Perhaps it was that which had urged Jaehyun to flinch, that the person he saw was not the person he expected to see. He didn't know Mark then, didn't know him the way he knew his friends, he had seen him there, entering the room he had thought to be a storage room, followed by someone he did know as scarcely as he had known mark, who he shared the piano with, who he spent hours there with, playing and listneing and dancing to music and as Jaehyun suspected, never talk much, never waisting time on words. The image of Mark, with his rheumy eyes and flushed cheeks, streaked with traces of tears, was not the image of Mark he knew to occupy this room on evenings like these, on evenings Jaehyun too, not knowing where else to go, spent in school, rowing through the empty spaces deserted by people that made them come to life at day, but that seemed weary and lonely just couple of hours later. Perhaps he was startled because the person he imagined Mark to be was not capable of emotion, because he was struggling to come to the conlcusion that maybe it too had a life besides the things he perceived, he had feelings, sorrows, regrets and troubles. The likes of which Jaehyun could never imagine. And Jaehyun was soon to know more about them, although he was not sure if he wanted to.
Silence fell over the three of them, and Jaehyun, uncertain how to proceed kneeled down. Johnny copied him and eyes fixed on his, expected further action to copy.
"Just beat me up and go", the oval face wailed and Jaehyun frowned.
"Would that shut you up?"
Jaehyun nudged Johnny, raising his elbow, and scowled at his antics.
"Are you alright, cub?", he said, softly,"Are you lost?"
Johnny made a derisive noise that should've mimicked Jaehyun which earned him another nudge. "Is it a girl?", was how he decided to make things up to Jaehyun. Jaehyun turned his flawless face towards the weeping wretch. Compared to the thrashed, mutilated by sorrow face, Jaehyun's beauty, his placid serenity was almost offensive and the calm timbre of his voice almost rude.
"We're friends, not enemies. You can talk to us", Jaehyun assured.
"I know who you are"
"Is that so?"
Interest quickened in Jaehyun's face, his smile stretched naturally over his face, two dimples cut through the faultless skin of his cheeks, where seconds ago dominated unspoiled flatness.
"Oh a fan", Johnny said, chiming in, and the shapeless knot of misery protested. "A hater, then?" Jaehyun saw what Johnny was doing and he felt warm. He was teasing. Jaehyun was once again admiring him for the person Johnny was, for his cheerful manner, he was staring at him, openly,  passionately and he was adding another emotion Johnny then triggered, he was adding it to the stock, to the pile that kept growing, sometimes shrinking but now definitely growing in size because Johnny had did what Jaehyun didn't dare ask of him. Johnny took care, let Jaehyun pass him the reigns, Johnny was being the one in control. It was how he let you know that you could lean back, stand by, do nothing while he handled things, saying, with eyes, not his mouth, "I can handle it" . This was how he won you over, how he won people's trust.
M was already falling for it, for the old little tricks, he was laughing and it was sign enough that he was falling prey to him. He was walking blindly into a trap before even knowing that he was moving, let alone walking somewhere but it was a trap and Jaehyun knew it.
"Just a mere spectator, no-one really"
"Does a mere spectator also have a name?"
The edgy structure of his face appeared sharper in the light, his cheeks rather hollow and his eyes and mouth rather small, a pattern which bore potential Jaehyun recognized straightaway. He remembered thinking he could make a living of it, of just that face.
"Mark"
"Mark?"
Jaehyun shot Johnny a warning look.
"Well, at least not Kevin"
"Don't mind him, he's just sore because his parents named him after a wife beater"
Johnny groaned and Jaehyun offered Mark his smile, it was earnest and encouraged Mark to master one too, one that was as genuine and endearing.
"I thought you guys were.."
"-mean?"
"Lucky for you", Johnny voice brooded on,"my mean self only awakens at full moon and solar eclipse."
Jaehyun shook his head. "I think you mean your nice self"
"No, definitely the mean one"
"If it helps you sleep at night", Jaehyun mused, his fingers brushing strips of his hair behind his ear as he smirked at Mark, flashing his mischievous smile.
"Jaehyun, if I did something wrong earlier, I'm sorry."
His words blew the amused smirk off Jaehyun's face and mark felt uneasy. He glanced up, and simply perceived the change of expression as Jaehyun restrained himself. He was clearly meaning to say something but couldn't, not with Mark present. Or maybe Mark had imagined it and he didn't mean to say anything.
"Tell us, how did you land in here, Mark?"
Jaehyun shifted his spare hand and laid it on top of Mark's palm. This gesture had a surprisingly sedative effect, his hand didn't just lie, this hand did not rest, this hand, it held.
Mark's reindeer eyes looked up at him and he felt his tongue loosening.