cigarettes after sex

each time you fall in love

It was noon as she spoke to him of abortion.

The weather was as bad as it could possibly be. The sky was cast with clouds so that the blue had gone over in white, vanishing completely as though it had always been whtie and every statement claiming the opposite was pure heresy. Jaehyun stood in the passage between two houses, in a shadow, just a shade darker than that fog of dim light that hung over the city. He leaned on the wall, rather assuming the posture of one relaxed than actually reposing. It took him several tries to light a cigarette, just one to light the second. She had called him earlier this day, persuading him to meet in person, because the news she had to share couldn't be shared over a call. And although she had not told him what exactly the news would be about, he knew it already. He knew and that's what made him jittery.Arrived, she had remained silent for a while, he didn't hasten her. Something about her plump, swollen face, red either from crying or cold weather, was even awe-inspiring. She was desperate, devastated and in a way, very beautiful. Because suffering is becoming to some people and she was just one of them. But above all, he saw the struggle he knew how to recognize in himself. Her eyes fashioned the same mature tiredness, the rings beneath her eyes spoke of familiar pain. She was miserable in the way Jaehyun knew so well. After a minute of complete silence, that definetely felt longer than a minute, she burst out in tears. That was rather a surprise, although Jaehyun realized in retrospect that she couldn't have done it without crying. "I can't keep it, Jaehyun. I just can't"Now it was merely disgusting. She had grimaced, her mouth wry and exploding with whimpers that shook her whole body, there was nothing awe-inspiring about her now. She indulged the ugly emotion, she had given up trying to hide it."Okay"His stomach turned only from thinking the word abortion, let alone from considering to pronounce it. He had taken a step backwards, his eyes remained shut for an instant and opened again, were emanating hostility. Cold-blooded menace. He held his mouth closed, as though afraid it would disobey him and hardened. "Tell me you are not leaving me. Even without a child, this-", she pointed her finger at herself, then at him,"-it works between us. Even without a child. I know you love me"She winced at the change in his face, it was no more stiff and cold, it portrayed another emotion, that was stronger as malice. It was hatred."Love you? Please", he started,"I don't love you, and you surely don't love me either"She was shedding bitter tears, Jaehyun could tell they smarted just from looking at them. And he knew he should have felt bad and sorry for her. But in that very instant, as he looked down at this deplorable little thing, leaking from every hole visible on its pink face, he couldn't feel anything but disgust. Disgust and contempt."Do you even know what love is? I don't think you do. And you don't have to. Hell, people our age are supposed to have fun, not raising unwanted children. And we had fun, didn't we?", he said, but he sounded detached. He felt strange for softening the blow, he was getting sentimental, too honest. It was just the sort of thing to happen when the situation required the total opposite. He projected a cigarette he managed to put away during the argument and lighting it, plugged it in between his lips. "I guess we did"The light was carrying dust that had come down from the sloping roofs, and it made the air seem murky, like the stagnant waters of a very old pond. As he exhaled, the smoke mingled with the white particles hovering before his indifferent face and it was as though he was drowning in the waters of the pond, disappearing in its mysterious depths. When he looked at her she was still whimpering, her upper lip trembling to the slow pulse of her even sobs, but he saw only a distorted version of her, it was distant and it didn't seem to be real. "So it's either you leave me the baby or abortion. But there would be no us, in neither case"