cigarettes after sex

touch

Johnny wouldn't know, but over the next few weeks, Jaehyun would try to sabotage his recovery several times. By means Taeyong couldn't explain for himself, he would come by sharp objects, find remains of the drug he had sniffed back then and take in everything at once but the response of the medics would always be quick and so he would always fail.
After his fourth attempt the doctor phoned to Taeyong, who he assumed responsible for the strong-willed patient and agonized to him about Jaehyun with so much passion Taeyong wondered if he was personally offended.
"..this cant go on, we have best qualified professionals on our team, who make every effort to keep this man among the living, yet he keeps sabotaging his own recovery like it's something personal he holds against us or what we do, fighting us like he does"

"...we have our own ways with the patients, you see? But he's, how to put it charitably? He requires a different approach. I fear our hands are tied. I would strongly recommend mental treatment. But as someone on the spectrum, I suppose he already has a-"
"As someone on what spectrum?"
Taeyong was in his room, Doyoung sitting criss cross on an improvised bed, a single mattress really, opposite of him. Having asked the question he drew himself up, straighter against the backrest of the armchair he occupied.
"Autistic Spectrum, I'm sorry but did you not know?"
"What?"
The doctor had summoned him, took him into a long room, with all kind of devices in it that Taeyong supposed to be some sort of a laboratory and showed him the scans of Jaehyun's brains. He was alone.
"We have run various tests to ensure that the brain damage was as mild as it seemed, and there you see the white matter right here.Well, generally speaking brain areas showing abnormalities in white matter include both, frontal and parietal, temporal and occipital lobes and more specifically, the cingulum, the body of the corpus callous, and the right cerebellar region. Now, usually-"
Taeyong interrupted,"What does all of it mean?"
"To be brief, the information we deduced has lead us to the conclusion of a predominating Asperger syndrome. It is a mild version of the autistic syndrome, what we call "on the spectrum""
Taeyong wanted to say something but decided to listen.
"It's typical for the syndrome to be diagnosed first during adulthood"
"But-"
"Depression is also very common in autism and Asperger syndrome"
"Wait, So now he's autistic and depressed?"
the doctor corrected, raising a finger, his voice was rather hushed,"-on the spectrum. And he could have bpd too, judging by self-harm and substance abuse"
"Bpd?"
"Borderline personality disorder"
Taeyong sunk his face into his hands, he was not startled, just trying to sort things out.
"Look, I'd like to do more, but unfortunately we're just a hospital, not psychiatry, we do not offer that kind of treatment. There's a list of clinics who do, however."
He shook his head slightly, begrudgingly, which wasn't necessarily a response to the words of the doctor, who in return, interpreting Taeyong's body language gathered he would want to see him, the assumption that couldn't be more remote from what Taeyong tactually wanted in the moment. He was seen inside and arrived at the bed, drew a sigh. 
There was silence.
"Where is it?", Taeyong then demanded, peacefully drawing another sigh and lowering his gaze at the cripple.
"Where is what?"
"Where are you hiding it?"
The air was heavy with Taeyong's excessive breaths, tempting Jaehyun to a succession of similarly intoned exhales.
"Under the mattress", he was heard murmuring, stirring his wan hands which stillness came off as tame and submissive rather than simply self-possessed. He looked past Taeyong, circumventing him like a mere obstacle, he had just waved the small white pack he had extracted and receiving no response from Jaehyun, attached a silent,"This needs to stop". He fingered the small rectangle with tangible nervousness but struggled to determine the source, he was ill-at-ease and couldn't define what weighed down on him in this moment exactly. Seeing Jaehyun was like seeing a glitch and not knowing how to tackle the problem which caused it to surface and blemish the screen with its presence, a sudden apparition, unwanted and odd, and therefore inclined to startle and repel rather than elicit pity.
"How's Doyoung?", Jaehyun inquired, in an effort to regain the familiar rhythm of conversation they were both used to, once again slipping into the role of the host, which Johnny's absence obliged him to.
"Doyoung is fine. Very soon back to sorting other people's businesses for all I know"
Jaehyun smiled only faintly, muttering,"You ever ask yourself how one gets the idea of becoming an accountant?"

"If everyone aspired to be a manager, you'd be unemployed by now"

"Don't say that, I'm not that bad at it. Besides, it's nice.The coffee is at least"

"Jaehyun, why did you do it?"

"Became Event Manager you mean? Don't know, back then I thought it would mean entertaining hot band singers in their free time. Showing them around, have lunch. The usual stuff"
Those rhetoric skills, the ease, that glibness. He was on fire. Did he learn that from Johnny?

"Whatever the reason, Jaehyun. I need you to know how foolish it was of you to think that ending your life was ever going to solve anything, next time you carve Latin numbers in your arms I need you to think of Mark. And if his face stirs nothing in you, then you may as well continue, because this is the moment Jaeyhun I know ceases to exist."
Jaehyun seemed uncapable of more than a sigh. Everything beyond was simply impossible.
Then, deciding to share what was really on his mind while he cut his wrists and gulped pills, he announced,"I'm not happy, Taeyong. I don't see a) why I'm supposed to fight when I've already lost and b) for whom. It's a selfish act, I agree. But it's me who lives my life, no-one else, so why should I not end it for someone if in the end it's myself I live for? Seems rather illogical to me. I want to die because of myself as much as I live for myself. If you really cared for me and my wishes you'd let me do as I pleased"
"You say that now because it seems like it's never going to get better, but with right medication-"
Jaehyun laughed. "Do you really propose drugs? What do you think have I been doing all this time? Sniffing flowers?"
"Jaehyun you can't compare hard drugs with antidepressants"
"Seem pretty same to me"
"I meant to ask sooner but I didn't know if it wouldn't trigger something I wasn't ready for. Is it because of Johnny?"
Jaehyun clenched his jaw and his eyes thinned to two slots.
"It's not because of Johnny"
"I don't believe you"
"Then why do you ask?"
Taeyong turned away and pursed his lips. He closed his eyes and opened them, slowly.
"I know Johnny is an asshole, I know him. But in the end, it's just Johnny. You know what I mean?"
"It's not Johnny, for God's sake.", he spit out, then, whispering,"Well, not only".
Taeyong heaved a relieved sigh, a "Having known it all along"-sigh.
Jaehyun was diffidently playing with his fingers, hitting them against each other.
"Remember when your cousin was put in rehab?"
Taeyong fluttered his eye-lashes confusedly."Yes?"
"Remember his reaction?"
"Yeah, he sided with me."
"Yeah he said he would banish him if it was his kid"
Taeyong saw where Jaehyun was going with this.
"I was already using back then. He knew, he must've known, he found my stash. I know it, I remember how things are when I leave them."
"Oh, Jaehyun"
"It's not just that, it's everything. He looks but he", he winced,"..he doesn't see, or he pretends not to, I don't care which it is, it's all the same to me. I'm tired, I can't anymore. I'm through with him. I'm done with his passive-aggressive shit, I can't see him anymore. He makes me sick..", his voice broke on a sob,"..and at the same time I know that what I feel for him is not just hate or repulsion, it's something I won't be able to feel for anyone because it's exactly what I've never felt, it's different and I'm just", his voice was trembling,"- I'm tired of it, I hate that it's him and I'd rather die than live one more day with what it leaves me with. And It's not just this, it's everything. My life in general. Never made sense, didn't have an end or a beginning, just kind of hurled out of space right into my face. I never asked for it,  was just put out there, told to fight, an underdog, an outsider everywhere, I was told to fight through my life, not live it. It's hard to explain, I'm just, I'm tired. Like one's tired after a long day, I'm tired after a long, meaningless waste of life"
"You never looked like you were fighting. I mean, you seemed set to enjoy things rather than wait or work hard to achieve something. I always admired that about you"
"I know, I tried. Didn't work"
"Just like that?"
"Just like that"
"Oh God, Jaehyun. Oh God. What are we going to do?"
Jaehyun had pressed his lips into a firm line, then shrugged his shoulders.