Racing One shots

Shadows

Sarah POV:

We all have our bad days, but when you fought with severe depression like I did those bad days can make you want to end things. Like I had been feeling alone for days but when I woke up this morning I just wanted to go back to sleep and never wake up again. No one knew I had been struggling with being this way since I was 10 years old. And now at 24 it's even worse, I hardly ever have a truly good day even around my amazing boyfriend. I roll over and snuggle into my pillows as my stomach starts to roll in self disgust. I should be happy with my life, I have a house, a dream job, amazing friends, and the most loving boyfriend I could ever dream of but I just kept sinking lower and lower into this dangerous part of myself. And I couldn't escape no matter how much I tired. I was happy I had drawn my curtains shut last night so my room was almost completely dark and it made me feel like nothing mattered. That my problems didn't matter, that life didn't matter. My phone vibrates and I see his face pop up as he was calling to say good morning but I just didn't have the energy to fake being ok right now so I ignore it. For the rest of the day I didn't leave bed, I didn't answer my phone, I did absolutely nothing. My phone slowly started to vibrate more and more often, and vaguely I knew he must be extremely worried but I couldn't bring myself to do anything.

It was about 1 in the afternoon when I was hit with ungodly amounts of self disgust and hatred that all I wanted to do was end it all. I slowly sit up as my lifeless eyes roam my room and see some hair pins and a lighter on my desk. I don't even remember getting up to get it and going back to bed. But I look down at them and slowly unbend the hair pin and get it hot with the lighter. I slip off my shorts and start leaving burn mark after burn mark in my inner thigh. Before I knew it I have 25 new marks to join the old faded ones. But it wasn't enough, I still couldn't deal with not being able to feel anything. It was like in a blink of an eye I had scissors in my hands and blood dripping down my arm and onto my bed. I just stare at the long cut that went across the middle of my forearm and become transfixed by the blood flowing out of me. Suddenly there's a hand cuffing my arm right above where the cut is making me slowly blink and look up. I see his face, the face that I love with all of my heart, contoured into horror and fear. I finally started to feel again and it hit me all at once, the fear, the pain, the shock, the regret and the guilt. Tears started to flow down my face as I start to sob. He helps me stand up and walk to the bathroom where he picks me up with one arm and sits me on the counter. He grabs my hand towel and places it over the wound and presses down on it to try and get it to stop. I shakily turn and grab my box of gauze and blood stoppers I had for when I did do this and handed it to him. And I could tell he knew that I had been doing this for a very long time by just how organized I was. He shakily wraps it up after cleaning it and getting it to slow down before picking me back up and taking me to my living room. As he lays me down on the couch he whispers,

"I'll be right back, I'm going to clean up your bed. Please don't do anything, please."

I tearfully nod and he was off out of my sight. I curl up into a ball as I tenderly cradle my arm to my chest as I realize what I had just done, that my secret had gotten out. And I was terrified he was going to leave me now, because who wants someone as broken as me? I must have lost track of time because I open my eyes to his arms pulling me up and into his lap. I curled into him, just trying to seek any form or level of comfort I could get. Neither of us said a word as we just sat there, and I was scared of what he thought of me now. That he would leave me, because if he did I don't think I could ever recover from that. Suddenly he spoke up and shakily says,

"I'm so sorry I didn't come over sooner, that I never noticed whatever you were going though to help you. God Sarah I'm so sorry for failing you when you needed me the most."

My eyes widen in disbelief as I lift a bit away from him and stutter,

"No, no don't blame yourself. This has been happening long before you meet me and I'm really good at hiding it. No one other then you now knows about any of this. So please don't blame yourself, please."

I cup his face in my hands as I try and reassure him that he was not to blame. But I could see he wasn't buying it and it killed me. And before I could say anything more he chokes out,

"I know your good at keeping things to yourself but damn it, we have been together for over a year and friends for 4. I should have seen you needed my help, I should have seen the scars that are clear as day to me now. All these scars on your thighs I should have seen while in bed together, and now I can see how you would shy away from people at times. Fuck, I'm so sorry for not being there for you."

I close my eyes as I rest my forehead to his and mumble,

"I know nothing I will say will get you to stop blaming yourself, but please don't let it keep you down. I will try and be more open with you, and it will be hard but I will try. I mean, if you still want to be with me after all of this anyways."

His arms snake around me and cradle me to him and whispers,

"Baby I am not going anywhere, I love you, all of you. Scars and all, I just hope I can be what you need to heal."

I nod slightly as I softly whisper,

"You will always be enough, I promise."

It had been a year since that day, and things have gotten better. There was plenty of days where I did and still don't leave the bed, but during those days he just lays next to me and makes me feel not alone. The only time he would leave me during those days was when he had to train or race, other then that he never left me. And he never pushed me to do anything I didn't want to do. He was loving and understanding, he was amazing and today was the day we get to make us official.

I was standing behind the double doors waiting to walk down the aisle to my future. I take a deep breath as the doors open and I look down and lock eyes on him. I couldn't stop the shy smile from forming as I walk closer and closer to the love of my life. As I reach him he rests his hands on my hips as mine rest on his shoulders. We knew this wasn't the normal way to stand on the alter but I needed it. I was still and probably always will be timid around big groups of people and this way kept me calm. The whole ceremony was a blur as I just kept my eyes on the man in front of me. And before I knew it his lips were on mine and full of love and I kissed him back with just as much love. The rest of the night was a blur of fun, dancing, and mind blowing love. And that night is when my son was conceived. I look out at the track in the fields behind our house and watch father and son race each other with a fond smile. And I couldn't help but think everything I went through and still do is worth every single second I have with them, my world.

And I'm so glad I got lucky enough to catch the one and only Eli Tomac's eye all them years ago.